bringing in the new year!

im trying to recognize this feeling i have everytime i wake up and everytime i go to sleep. it feels like im falling even though i am trying so hard not to. i just cant explain it, and really i cant even believe it. we talk every night. every night. for hours and i have become so comfrotable that im afraid that it will just all go away. something will step in my path and block this feeling that i keep feeling but dont want to feel. we talk about everything and im attracted and intrigued. but we are both very cautious right now, and i can feel him trying to break through the yellow black striped tape but he is holding back because of me. cause i dont know what i want, and he is afraid that i might not be over you-know-who and he doesnt want to put his feelings into me only to get hurt. and this man has been hurt before. i have to treat him softly. he keeps saying i dont wanna get too close cause every woman i have loved has let me down, and i cant bear to think i could possibly do that to him. i gave him my word that i am different, and well, i am different.  its funny cause when we first re-connected he used to piss me off so badly. he was so guarded and his views were just so unreal. but surprisingly quickly those crazy layers of his begin to peel away and i saw that he was just only protecting himself. or maybe he really does like me. could i possibly be the one to have a positive effect on him? it makes me happy and frightend all in one and that shit is exciting.

but even with all those factors holding us back we agreed to have kids in two years and live our life as a family. he wants to take care of us and i wont have to worry about a thing. some of our views on raising kids dont line up but even wrinkles can be smoothed out. its like we have planned to be together and we are just using these moments to build stairs to climb to that moment. i laugh cause it finally sounds like i have a future to a part of a life ive always wanted. i dont know its very weird. he is sweet, the tone of his voice sends shivers up my spine and he doesnt even know. could this be happening. am i really having these thoughts about another man besides you-know-who? i dont wanna fuck this up? i dont wanna wake up one day to realize he has left me cause he sensed the distance from me or saw it in my eyes that i still loved another. and secondly i dont want him to get scared and unintentionally hurt me and have me questioning my worth once again. ugh i dont know what to do. so im gonna do nuthing. im just gonna enjoy my time with him. he is coming in June, and while im very excited im very nervous to. what if im really not good enough, what if im not pretty enough, what if im not funny enough. i’ll be so worried about trying to be perfect that i’ll only fuck it up in the end….i always do that.. but things will be great. we will decide then what we wanna do and how we really feel. God is good to me all the time, and sometime i forget to thank HIM. so thanks God.

this new year i just might have something to celebrate!

*side note*

so i was on the phone with Herman lastnight, and you-know-who beeped in and against my better judgement i clicked over. HE was talking about something and i asked if HE was gonna be up later cause i would call HIM back. and HE was like why, and i was like because I want to. and HE was like ur on the other line, and i was like yeah. and HE was like ur telling me the person on the other line is more important than me, we havent talked in a long time, and i was like ummm yeah. HE was like who is the guy, i know its a guy, and i was like i gotta go. clicked back over and Herman was like let me call u back in 5 (go figure). so i got off the phone and you-know-who called right back. that nigga called right back, even though HE knew i was on the other line. telling me that what HE had to say was important so i humored him (because i was already off the phone). and this bastard says nothing of importance. HE just wanted me to get off the phone for HIM-is HE serious?!?! so then my phone beeps and its Herman, and i tell HIM that i gotta go thats my other line, and HE was like when i got a call i ignored it to talk to u, and i was like ooooook. well i gotta go. and HE bitches about the dude im clicking over to. who is he, and so forth? i asked HIM why HE wants to know. and HE was just like i wanna know (HE has some nerve). so im like i gotta go, and HE’S all like "fine whatever, just whatever."

is this for real? is HE serious. i couldnt believe that, i seriously busted out laughing so loudly and hard. get the fuck outta here with that bullshit. u had several years to want me. let it go!!