blame him

i think ive finally messed things up. i didnt even know it mattered until just right now. right this very second. and im the only one to blame. i was chasing a dream that had long since died. but i was stubborn and blind. why did i put the nice guy on the back burner. because he wasnt my ideal man? cause he wasnt HIM? always an excuse and never a really good answer. he tried and he tired, and he was honest, and truthful and sweet and there. he was THERE? but i took him for granted and i gave him mixed signals and i pushed him away.

i was holding out for something better, something that may or may not be out there. perhaps i was scared and nervous and all those other things. its never been that easy for me to open myself up to someone who actually likes me. ive always been able to give more of myself to those who didnt deserve me. and thats not fair to him. how could i treat him like that? whats wrong with me? doesnt matter if he is THE ONE or not, i could have given him a fair chance, i could have made it work. i could have been the one to help him grow, to get thru the smoke, to find happiness. but nooooo i was an idiot.

maybe i need him to be those thigns to me. maybe he could have helped me and shown me true happiness. but i didnt let it happen.

and now hes taken a few steps back. now he doesnt even wanna look at me or talk to me or text me. he probably hates me

and

i cant blame him