another one bites the dust!

I’m throwing up the white flag. I’m officially giving up cause I’m just mentally tired of all things MEN. Its the same thing everytime. I’m not loving and caring? I dont show emotion. well excuse the fuck outta me, why was I gonna put myself COMPLETLY out there for u when u couldnt figure out what u wanted. and lets not forget that u couldnt even be a man about it. u called my mother to tell her this, and on top of that u compared me to her. i knew all along u had some lil school boy crush on her but i never thought u’d actually point out my negative flaws to her highlighting just how wonderful she it. FUCK U ASSHOLE. that really cuts me deep, and im bleeding interanlly which is the worst way to bleed. ha! its funny cause I have yet to recieve a phone call from u. ur not big enough to let me know whats on ur mind? u little prick.

and when did u ever show emotion towards me? yeah u were sweet at times, but ur words werent dripping with sweat sugary chocolate or anything. it was u who told me u couldnt trust people. it was u who said u didnt believe in love. it was u that said u didnt believe in marriage. and i knew u had been hurt before so i stood by u giving u support and encouragement. i called u every night i made sure u were okay, but i guess that means jack shit to u cause like u said im not caring or loving. well u know what u can do for me??? suck my huge ass hairy nuts u fucking lil pussy. I’m done with u. U can decide if u wanna call me and talk things out, but don’t expect me to call u, and dont bother showing ur ass up in New York on the 12th either u IdIoT!!!

but even at the same time I can’t help but wonder what is wrong with me? this isnt the first time a man has said these things about me. Chris said it too hence why we stopped talking. I know I dont have a cold heart so why do they see me this way. maybe I am tricking myself. the emotions i feel towards people are so deeply intense that maybe just because I feel it doesnt mean it is coming off in words and actions. but i find that so hard to believe because it pumps through my veins and leaves me hot, stomach tied in double knots and my head pounding with pure pleasure. ugh im just so frustrated. each year its the same exact thing and I’m sick of it. medicine wont rid me of it, and purging wont either. what is a girl to do? and i say girl cause thats what I am. Ive grown alot over the last 3 years but no one has seemed to notice and that truly hurts my feelings. it makes me look at myself with disgust. like im worthless. and im running out of hope. actually, i think it might be gone now. i just need 2006 to fucking go away and never come back again. i thought ur 25th year on earth was supposed to be the most memorable. ha! but all i seem to remember so far is pain and disappoitment. im so fed up with being disappointed. im just tired of feeling this way. i just dont think its fair