Religious Confusion (1/2/2024) – Old Entry

# A Start.
It still feels so weird writing ‘2024’ on my Journal entry titles haha. So Right now I’m taking a bit of a break from RayCasting and I am currently studying a bunch of different Religions. If I am being completely honest with myself this world is the most greatest place to be at. A Couple of wars have broke out. Dieases, Lots of struggles with money, banks shutting down, etc. It doesn’t ever seem to have an end. My parents are Jehovah’s witnesses as my previous entrys already tell. But I’m not exactly a Jehovah’s witness myself. Yes, I do go to the meetings and attend, as well as Study (Their form of doctrine). But my heart is not really their. So I’m not exactly a Jehovah’s witness. Instead I’m confused. I was reading up on signs that your in a cult. Now the term ‘cult’ seems to be a subjective meaning. Many former members of the Jehovah’s witness congregation stated that the religious organization is infact a cult. But at the sametime The Governing body calls them “apostates” which that in itself is a sign of a cult. If something is calling former members of religion a name in a condensending way, that could be a sign. So I am confused. I have a whole folder in this Vault that is dedicated to desecting The Trinity, many denominations that believe in the Trinity and many that don’t (Including Jehovah’s witnesses). And also many other religions. My goal is to hopefully Study them far enough to be able to tell which is truely the Truth. And Are Jehovah’s witnesses a cult like the former members are. And is the NWT or the New world translation, a real truely accurate bible translation? So right now I’m currently working on The Trinity. If the Trinity is false than its only reasonable to say that denominations believing in the Trinity are also false. So far I’ve been able to find nothing but very interesting information regarding the belief. So right now its a potentially true situation. Its a bit of a scary project though. When I study these beliefs the previous Doctrine I’ve been taught all my life gets to my head and I start to think “Oh what if its all Satan, Go back.”. And I really don’t think that should be the case. It drives me nuts. At the same-time though that confusion is still there. So I’m taking my time with the project. And the Doctrine is making fear that I will get destroyed before I can come up with my answer. Its a sad reality. It sometimes feels like there is no winning here.

## 5:53 PM
# Religious Confusion.
I’ve been using Obsidian for a bit and I am testing out different websites, apps for the best app for me personally to Journal. So I want to talk about something that has been on my mind for a bit. So I guess I’ll just explain. My Parent’s Are Jehovah’s Witnesses.

And So for a long time I’ve always thought that this was in-fact “The Truth” (as they call it and those “In the Truth”). However I never really took it seriously. I was essentially mentally in and physically out. Except I wasn’t physically out. I just didn’t really care about following the rules and avoiding the sin. So I never really took it seriously until I was about, I wanna say 12. When I was 12 I became extremely religious. I wanted some sort of an identity and hope. I was already involved in politics and was extremely aware of the crime rates that go on in america. And of course to everyone that is scary. No one wants that. So the Religion gave me a hope. That if I do these things I will have a new earth and paradise to enjoy. I would finally have a GrandMa, I would finally have all the Dogs that have been a part of my family, again.

![[Pasted image 20240102175454.png]]

To anyone that is a valuable hope. It would feel like they hit the JackPot. I already had a really bad habit of masturbating and I was exposed to Porn at the age of 7. I don’t wanna talk about in exact detail of how it happened for the sake of staying on topic to what I wanna talk about. And I always knew that, that was just not okay and was not gonna get me far in life. And also its considered a Sin not just according to Jehovah’s witnesses but also to the Bible and many other christian denominations, religions, etc. So I constantly tried and tried and tried to give it all up. I tried quitting like what felt like 5 times before I was finally able to stop it long term. Sadly this year I have picked up on the habit again and I find it hard yet again to stop. But this entry is not about masturbation or any of my habits I’m not exactly proud of. But for a bit I did stop, and I quickly became zealous in the Religion. And I consciously soaked up a bunch of their Doctrine again. When at the end of the last couple of months of being 13, I too lose a lot of zeal. I’m not sure what it was or why, but I just did. I tried so hard to pray more, study more, read more, consume more doctrine, etc. It just never worked. My passion for “Serving the high creator” was starting to become Lost. And with that I gave in to a temptation that would further pull me away harder. But maybe that temptation was a good thing. Because for the first time in ever I started to question my beliefs. I was hearing 2 sides of Jehovah’s witnesses. Those who are in, and those who are not. The people that are, are very zealous and nice and friendly people. However on the other side its a whole new story. Many of their Former members claim that it is a Cult. Cult seems to have a subjective definition these days though. So with that I did more research. One of the things Jehovah’s witnesses do not Believe is the Trinity. The Trinity is one God in 3 three persons. Many people who are part of the more mainstream denominations like Catholicism, orthodoxy, etc, say that Jehovah’s witnesses arguments against the Trinity are weak. And If I am being honest with myself. The research that I am doing is only backing up the Trinity and evidence for it. And Now I am confused. Extremely confused. For all my Life I have been taught that this was The Truth. My Dad was saying he did all the research and said that JW is really the Truth. But I’m starting to realize that his Research may have been biased. He converted my mom and my mom even was crying (I think) texting and saying how she felt hurt that she was being lied too. Imagine converting someone over without doing the proper research. There are many scriptures that record Jesus being worshipped, And also ‘God’ is plural. And supposedly many scriptures have been modified in the NWT. Or new World translation as that’s what Jehovah’s witnesses use. And Even with all this evidence, I still feel a Pull. I feel like 2 sides are grabbing both my arms and are pulling me to both sides. The Doctrine is pulling me back over to their Side. The Evidence to theirs. I can’t help but think ‘What if its all Made up and Satan’ but also think ‘What if IM being lied too”. I don’t what to do or how to combat it. My fear is that I pick the wrong side and get destroyed by Armageddon. I don’t wanna die. I’m not sure what to do or how I’m gonna reassure myself that I will not. The Doctrine is so rooted in my head because I have been taught this all my life. The organization can barely manage themselves. They are covering up Sex allegations and straight up ignoring reports of them. And the Supposed 2 witness rule. (I’m not sure if thats really true) I guess the best thing I can do is to answer the questions that can identify whether Jehovah’s witnesses are really a False Religion. Like number one is their Bible translation Truely the most accurate? Is the Trinity Truely true to God’s Nature? Was their even Jesus? The Governing body depicts Former members as “Apostates”. But if Jehovah’s witnesses really are the True religion then why would they make lots of videos (I mean hundreds of thousands) talking honestly about their experiences. Clearly thats telling and theirs something going on here. I am gonna need some time to process my thoughts and feelings.