i’ve decided … end

i decided fast. there was no one who replied what i think about it? i really want to know what that person thinks and is he a good person but he won’t let me near for some reason. maybe it’s because of me. because of it i feel so sorry about myself. i’m not so sure that it has to do with something that i did or said but i think that it might of been that. maybe it’s because he wants to manipulate me. i don’t know. i think it is the second. there is a chance that he talks to me because he dosn’t want to hurt me by some way. i feel so sorry for myself and angry at myself and at him. i don’t know what’s the most painful feeling.

actually i don’t want to know some of the answers. knowing which one is it from the both possible answers will hurt. it is because of the way i acted to my thoughts. maybe they were true. maybe not. some of them are. i thought about meny things. so meny that some of them has to be suitable for this situation. i wish i could know the truth. i might of been wrong. i was a bad person. i am a bad person. it is me.  i have to change.

maybe i have to stick to the idea that i will left this in the past and i will begin my life once again. far far away from these thoughts. maybe on a deserted island with a beautiful naturally black haired beauty with blue eyes. tropical heat and tropical forests… alot of tropical fruit… immagine the colors… blues like the sky and the ocean and orange like the sunset and the sunrise, yellow like the sun and lots more… we can only hear the waves and the smell of the wind… like wild flowers… so beautiful… so clean… so romantic… making love at the beach. the warm waves going through our bodies… after that we swim in the ocean… the parots singing… no one to mess with us…

i wish i had a girl like that in my dreams… sometimes i think i can’t share my thoughts with anyone. maybe that’s why love is running away from me. if it wasn’t for open diary i don’t know what i would do…

oh well… back to my problems…

one thing is for sure. he dosn’t want me near him.

i’ve decided… i will tell him to stay away from me in a way that he won’t be hurt from what i say and yet really do what i tell him. i’m so sorry and angry for everything that i can’t tell if i’m angry mostly about what i did or what he does.

how could i let this happen? i’m so stupid.