Is the alcohol the only way to forget?

You drink and the pain stops right away. I know I shouldn’t but it’s so painful. When I drink everything seems to be in it’s place. I begin loving myself for a while. 4 days have passed since my last drinking. I’m now thinking that I mustn’t drink so much and so often. Why do I have to feel this way? People just make mistakes and don’t feel sorry about it and I haven’t done anything as bad so I can feel like this. It’s like everyday I’m waiting for someone to kill me. No one can help me. I can’t see the way out. There is no light in the tunnel. Searching for all the answers is hard. School will start in about two hours. I feel tired. I can’t concentrate on anything except on what I like. I need to talk to someone close. I look good but I don’t feel good. I can’t do anything right. I’m just gonna go ahead with some fake smile so I don’t spoil someone else’s mood. I’m good at that. Total breakdown. Is this a depression?