Silly me

 Ok, I’m still happy, so please don’t misconstrue this.  I have been reading over my diary, and while I think there are a total of 4 good posts, the rest is just pathetic.  Forced rhymes, depressing bull shit.  No wonder she left, I have been fucking pathetic.  I’ve got a lot of good shit in my life, and apparently, I just want to wallow in self pity over nothing.  Where the hell are the if you’re happy and you know it posts?  Oh, right, that was last nights post, lol.  I enjoy making my little rhymes, and I post them on here before they are ever finished (they are never finished), and I’m slightly embarassed at the moment over how ridiculous most of them are.  You can tell when there was no real feeling behind them.  At least I can.  If I read it and can’t go back to the memory of inspiration or feel the emotions it is intended to evoke…  blah.  

There is one where I describe riding down the interstate after hanging with a friend.  While its not a rhyme, its just my thoughts, I can feel the night air on my skin again, and see the flashes of lightening in the distance when I close my eyes.  Or the one from new years, where I watched same said friend kiss a guy on the dance floor.  I recall everything clearly, and the words flow together a lot better.  It very well might just be because they mean something to me, but isn’t that the point?  I have spent way too much time trying to write something when I felt nothing for it.  Tear me down, take my soul, deny me all my future holds?  While I still think it sounds cool, it has no place.  Its just a single line, smashed together with another line that had no home. …no soul.  I used to live my life under the policy that depressing emo kids need to grow up and get the fuck over what ever problem they got, bc the only thing holding them back is their desire for sympathy.  I lost that somewhere along the way.  

"On the path of self discovery, I didn’t like what I found, so now I’m on the road to perdition, whiskey bent, hell bound."

I still like that one.  I like the word perdition.  I first heard it when I watched the Tom Hanks movie, Road to Perdition.  Back on topic, I’m not saying that people don’t have a right to vent, to seek some understanding, to not want to feel all alone.  But I don’t subscribe to the emotional welfare system anymore.  Ask for what you need when you need it, but don’t beg to be carried through life.  Be strong and work things out.  It’s like wanting to do something bat shit crazy, and scary.  Like jumping off the Amity bridge.  Its one small step, just take it.  once you step, its done.  Things land where they land.  You do what you have to from that point forward until you’re back on solid ground.  Until you can stand.  There is always the risk that something can go wrong.  That’s life.  A few posts back, I complained that my joy came from her joy and now there was no joy to come.  Fuck that.  I have had one hell of a month.  Job changes, reconnecting with old friends, paying off bills.  New toys.  I’ve had plenty of joy once I got past my single person pity party.  Oh, and about the job change, i did not expect to lose my job.  Life hit me hard when that happened.  However, I did what I could.  I marched on.  I had to find another job.  I couldn’t dwell on it.  I had bills to pay.  I kept things as simple as I could.  I sat down and thought to myself, one step at a time, what has to happen to make this better, and I did what I thought was right.  The point is that I did something.  I didn’t give up.  Did I recieve help?  not the conventional kind, but yes, I had friends put in good words for me.  That’s how I got my current gig.  However, I got another one offered w/o any outside help.  This one is just the dream one, atm.  Now, let me come down off my high horse.  This post rambles on and on and on.  Its mainly for me to get my thoughts out.  To sort out my issues.  This is a diary after all, right?