What I Did/What I Didn’t

 Quote: "There are three ingredients to the good life. Learning, earning and yearning." -Christopher Morley

What I Did:

I graduated from college with a 3.3 and a degree in Broadcasting. My heart felt heavy and the question mark that came with came next scared me. I drank every night for 2 weeks straight, in the fun-college way, not in a spiraling alcoholic way. I listened to songs and screamed the chorus’s with friends. I went to formal with Tina, who I’ve loved for two years. I told her so that night, drunkenly slurring my words. She said she felt it too. We spent a night together. One that was quiet, cuddled up in my extra long twin bed, donning sweatpants and hoodies. I kissed her cheek and she kissed my mouth. We proceeded to have the kind of rare sex where everything links up at once. You don’t talk, just feel. We lay in bed later, naked and panting, unable to believe how far we came. There were drunken encounters and one night stands. Winter walks to the diner and fast food for dinner. I worked my ass off on my final project which didn’t come out as good as I’d hoped. I managed a B and made connections. I accomplished what I wanted.

What I Didnt:

I didn’t cry the way I thought I would. Sometimes I wanted to but I never needed to. Just one moment comes to mind. Talking to my first roommate, Josh, in a parking lot, the headlights of my car illuminating us. We talked about the boys we used to be and the men we were becoming. I didn’t make a speech or really give anyone a big goodbye. 

I didn’t end up with Tina. I spent time at her house, kissing her, laughing with her parents, but still not progressing. I didn’t sleep with her the night she moved back to school, though I did sleep next to her. She wasn’t ready for a relationship, she said. But one day she would be because she knew I "would always be there". I didn’t stick around.

I didn’t go to California. I didn’t have the money or the security. I don’t regret it. Much.

I was kissing a girl in between two different cars on a train heading back to New Jersey after a night in New York City. I’d been drinking with some of my closest friends from home and my California dream was looking bleak. As we kissed I could feel myself reflecting. On the crowded streets I’d walked along and the people I’d walked with, the people I’d be leaving. Maybe I had to conquer the Big Apple before the City of Angels. 

I didn’t leave college with a game plan.

What I’m Doing:

I worked a job as a freelance production assistant on a commercial in New York. I was paid $150 bucks and it is allowing me to tell acquaintances from high school who I run into while I work at Target that I am "freelancing on the side."

Last week I went on a job interview with a major cable news station based in New York City. I applied to be a production assistant and have been told I am a top candidate. I’m crossing my fingers and checking my email. I’m nervously anticipating a dream coming true. I’m thinking about every time I looked at New York City and longed to be there, working my ass off. 

I’m spending time with friends, old and new, silver and gold. I’m feeling thankful for the support system that is my family and good group of people I have encouraging me and celebrating my successes. I’m brainstorming script ideas and rereading this diary for ideas.

I’m feeling proud of connections I’m making. I’m feeling satisfied with where I’ve been and am doing all that I can not to look back. I’m excited about what’s next.