Wanting What You Can’t Have

Quote: "If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things." -Albert Einstein

I’m having trouble figuring out what I want in just about every aspect of my life. I’m going on year three of Target and could possibly take on a management position, I’m just not sure I actually want it. The pay increase, while small, would be nice. I’m needing a new car more and more each day. I’ll be lucky if Benji, my ’97 Ford Taurus, lasts another few months.

That and I still feel like I’m not good enough for half the goals in my mind. My aunt googled a bunch of internships that interest me but I feel like there’s no way I’ll be able to get any of them. My grades are good but not great, not to mention that I’m currently enrolled in county college with no idea what school I should transfer to once I graduate. I feel like all these oppourtunities are impossible for me to take advantage of, like I’ll never be good enough. This only leads me to constantly trying to find a future career that I could settle for. I realize how bad it sounds, that I’d rather settle than take the road less followed, but it’s a fact, sad as it may be.

That and I’ve recently been texting Kristina (aka the only girl who’s ever dumped me) more lately. I say it’s for a confidence boost but when she starts talking about her recent break up I find myself thinking about her and about us and everything in between. Don’t get me wrong, I’m with Danielle and I’m happy, most of the time. Little things have begun to get to me. Like the fact that she rarely has an opinion, though that isn’t exactly the case. She has her opinions but she holds back, doing whatever anyone else wants rather than what she wants. I can’t tell if she agrees with me because its what she wants or if she’s just eager to please.

If I mention this to any of my friends I am met with a blank stare as they wonder why I don’t enjoy having a girlfriend who doesn’t fight with me or have opinons and does whatever I feel like doing. Don’t get me wrong, all of that is great, but not when it isn’t really. Confidence is attractive, a girl who holds back just so that I like her, will never win me over.

It’s something that makes Kristina, Danielle’s polar opposite, more attractive. She’s unattainable, stubborn and more than a little fickle. Yet, she’s stayed in my mind enough that the story I’ve been working on writing for the past few months details oure relationship, my heartbreak and the summer I spent seeking revenge, only to end up destroying the relationship she had with her best friend as well as causing everyone alot of unecessary pain. I swear if I ever finish writing it, it’ll be a good read.

The other night Kristina asked how things were with my girlfriend. It was the first time we’d ever discussed the fact that I was in a relationship or that she had been, even though we’d kept in touch here and there. I found myself discussing the negatives, even exagerrating them slightly. I hated myself for it but I just couldn’t stop.

So here I sit, trying to decide if my sudden awareness of Danielle’s negative qualities are the result of me realizing we aren’t compatible or whether Kristina’s reappearance is effecting me more than it should.