Walnut Tree

Quote: “Basically, the only thing we need is a hand that rests on our own, that wishes it well, that sometimes guides us.” -Hector Bianciotti

It’s strange, seeing someone you’ve known for almost ten years in a different way. I’ve always known she was beautiful, I’d even thought about being with her countless times over the years, just never thought it would happen. Saturday night, in my car, it was like I was seeing her for the first time. The vulnerable version of her, the one that was making herself available, just waiting for me to make my move.

There are a few reasons the kiss that followed is complicated. One, we’re friends. Have been for years. We flirted a lot in high school, joked about what would happen, but timing never allowed us to follow through. She even propositioned me once, though I had to turn it down. Why? That brings me to reason number two. She’s married.

I’m guessing most of you reading this are thinking "What the fuck?" and yeah, that’s understandable. She married him two years ago, two months after we graduated high school. He was in the navy and both were fairly religous. I knew the liklihood of the marriage lasting was not good, but was naive enough to believe they’d make it work. Even after all I’ve seen I’m still surprised when bad things happen to the people I know, I expect divorce from strangers, not twenty year old girls.

They’re currently separated, she doesn’t talk about him much, if ever. I admire the way she closed the door on her husband and her life, came home and decided to start over. We talked most of that night about starting over. I’d been ditched by the bitchy barista I mentioned in my last entry, but it hadn’t bothered me much. I knew it wasn’t going anywhere with her. I was instead reminiscing with Kristine, discussing her hopes to go to art school in Florida, my own hopes to be dorming upstate come September.

"I’m scared," I confessed. "But I’ve got nothing keeping me here, I swear if I had a single reason to stay, I would in a heartbeat, but there’s just nothing tying me here anymore."

We spoke of our fears, our past loves, marriages and futures. Come fall we’ll be somewhere else, far from home. Keane came on my iPod and in unison we stated we loved the song. I couldn’t look her in the eye, if I did, I knew exactly what would happen. She’s a married woman, maybe she no longer considers herself as such, but the state of New Jersey does.I glanced upwards and our gazes met.

We’re the same age, but it doesn’t always feel like it. She’s a woman and I still feel more boy than man. She’s beautiful in an exotic way, much different than the all american girls I’ve dated. Earlier in the evening she asked if I was intimidated by her, I’d brushed it off but knew it was true.

Once our eyes met, it was different. She was vulnerable, looking at me, waiting for me. She was just as much a sad girl as she was unhappily married woman. Our kiss was more intense than I’d expected, her fingers running through my hair, my hands on her waist.

The divorce papers would be signed this summer though we later established we didn’t want to complicate our friendship. She wasn’t ready for a relationship. I know I shouldn’t get in too deep, I should keep her at a distance. Her texts messages about our "chemistry" and the ease in which we speak shows that we both know our first kiss would not be our last.