Trick or Treat

Quote: “Follow your heart, but be quiet for a while first. Ask questions, then feel the answer. Learn to trust your heart." -Unknown

I stood donning a Ghostbuster’s jumpsuit in a tiny Montclair dorm room with a blonde sailor in a short skirt and a sexy baseball player. Only the blonde red lipped sailor was Kristina who carefully applied her makeup, careful not make much eye contact. It made sense, we haven’t seen eachother since she was kissing me goodbye in front of my house, swearing she’d miss me and making plans for tomorrow. Only it never happened. She instead spent a week ignoring my texts after going away to school, saying things had changed.

The slutty sailor, sexy baseball player, ghostbuster, hot dog and Quail Man entered the Halloween party in the dorm across campus. Rihanna was pumping through the speakers, a few girls swaying to the music. As we downed the shots I found myself grinding with Kristina, getting hit with flashbacks from the senior prom a year and a half before. We took pictures and shots, any awkwardness fading away. I don’t know how or why we found our way into a dark and empty common room, we’d been looking for something. Looking back I think we both knew what would happen when we left that dorm room together. It wasn’t a surprise when Kristina took a seat on the couch next to me and my arm wrapped around her shoulder. Even less so when her head tilted to the left, my own to the right. I don’t know who leaned in first I just know that before long I was kissing her again.

That kiss, it lasted too long, we probably shouldn’t have danced to that song
It was nothing, it was everything, it’s really such a shame its so hard to explain to you

"I swore I wouldn’t do this," I whispered, my lips moving to her neck.

If he only knew what you thought, the lust, the lack of trust, the temptation you fought

"Me too," She whispered back, breathing in sharply as my tongue swirled around her neck. Our friends walked in a few moments later. Not surprised but obviously disapointed. We weren’t supposed to go down this road. Not again. The kissing stopped, moment broken. The past came up, the things she did, the ignored texts, broken promises, unfulfilled plans.

"I’m fucked up," She muttered, face in her hands. I took a deep breath, "See this is the part where I want to tell you it’s okay," I began. "But it’s not, your hurt me and it sucks and I don’t think it’s okay."

I asked her why she was the way she was, taking her hand in mine. She told me a story about something that happened long ago, during a game of man hunt with some older kids on her street. When I hear it, so much of what she’s done made sense. Her low confidence, the attention she craves. When I told her it wasn’t her fault, she shrugged but didn’t say much. Obviously not agreeing completely. Next thing I knew I was telling her my own story, the one about my parents and how I still questioned their marriage and the events that took place 3 years ago.

"I don’t think anything happened," She said with confidence, looking me in the eye. i don’t know why her words made me feel at ease. She doesn’t know my parent’s particularily well, something she admitted. I did need to hear it though, someone to tell me they believed it. The two of us sat  hand in hand on the couch a little while longer, having just exposed painful pasts we try our best to ignore. Pulling out my phone I noted that the day had changed, it was now November. A new month. A new start.

It wasn’t just a drunken kiss, she promised. It was something else. Something that will begin slowly, no pressure. Just a promise to spend more time together. To build trust, ignore our fears, grow and move in the same direction. Eventually ending up together.

A day later I sit here anxiously awaiting her text messages. We have plans for tommorrow, though I’m not sure what it is we’ll be doing. My friends judge me, not so silently, telling me it will end the same way it did a million times before. Deep down they’re right, I’ve got no reason to believe this time will be any different than the others. I have the same sick/excited feeling I always do when she comes back into my life. I know history repeats itself. I realize we are both incredibly fucked up individuals which will most likely lead to a fucked up relationship. I still hope this time is different. Even if I can’t say it with the usual confidence applied to the line.

I know that I shouldn’t but I enjoyed it
I know that I shouldn’t but I enjoyed it
I know that I shouldn’t but I enjoyed it