Transformer

 Quote: "For everything you have missed, you have gained something and for everything you gain, you lose something else." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Not noticing the transition of something that goes from fresh to stale until it’s already dead, decayed and ready to be buried is the strangest thing. You just wake up one morning and there it is, sitting in the fruit bowl, not edible. You swear it was good to go yesterday, but you weren’t really looking, were you?

Lindsay came over to my house last night. Her red hair and straight and just past her gray sweater covered shoulders. I greeted her, took notice of her dark pink lips and led her up to my room. We talked about watching a movie, but we didn’t, because soon we weren’t talking at all. Minutes were going by, silent except for Blind Pilot which played softly from my mac’s speakers. 

We bickered back and forth and then she noted what I hadn’t. We weren’t working.

Maybe we hadn’t worked in a while.

I hadn’t been texting her as often and sure, board game night had gotten tense last night, but it was okay.

I was in denial. I’d wanted Lindsay to save me from myself so badly. She came in strong after nearly getting kicked out of school last semester after I’d spent the previous month’s trying to escape the feelings I had for an ex girlfriend that I couldn’t shake. Lindsay was smart, funny, put together and beautiful. She called me on my shit, made me feel appreciated and showed me how I should be treated.

Only I’d never gotten comfortable leaning on her in a difficult situation. She could never partner with me in beer pong because she needed to win. I never got why she insisted on doing extra credit when she was already doing well. I didn’t understand why she thought it was strange to drink on a Tuesday night. She also told me to "get to the point," when I started telling one of my famously long stories. 

I cheated with ex girlfriend. We were drunk and I wanted her to want me. She had been texting me all night, strange since she only lives down the hall. We’d flirted with the idea of still harboring feelings for weeks, careful not to do anything about it. She had a boyfriend, I had a girlfriend.

We also had unfinished business.

The elevator opened and Tina stood waiting for me. She’s just gotten in from a club and was sporting skin tight jeans and a black lace top. Her blue eyes lit up as I drunkenly stumbled in. There was no question, no hesitation, just mouths. I was on her and she was on me. Neither made the first move, we moved together, immediately. We got off and entered a near by laundry room. She pulled on my hair as I kissed her neck and lifted her leg. She began to run her hand down my stomach, pulling at my belt. 

"Bri,"

I loved it when she called me that. She began rubbing her hand lower and lower before reaching for my zipper, slowly now, suddenly cautious. Our kiss began to slow and when we opened our eyes, we awoke. All I could think about was Lindsay and I started to feel dirty. Tina teared up and we declared it a mistake.

I never told Lindsay. I didn’t tell her about the next time Tina and I kissed me. It was at a frat party, high and sitting on the back stair case. The first kiss had eaten me up inside, but the second? By then I’d grown so used to the feeling, it barely registered. Still, I knew Tina and I had no future. I declared we needed space and began to refocus on Lindsay. I thought about her voice and the way she smiled when she looked up at me. It was going to work out.

But here we were, sitting on my bed, with nothing to say. We were good before the Tina kiss. Or at least I thought we were. Then again, if we were really all that strong, I never would have kissed Tina in the first place. We talked it out, we’re both to blame. We both had our weaknesses. She cried when she left my house and it made my heart hurt. I thought of what her face would look like if she knew more about what I had done. I hated what I’d done and that she’ll never know. We weren’t right for each other for a lot of reasons and I should have paid more attention. 

How did I get here? I’m now a cheater, even if Lindsay doesn’t know. How did I become someone who could justify this. Someone who just missed the signs of a failing relationship. 

I’m sitting on my bed at school now, just a week before spring break. I miss Lindsay and crave Tina. 

It just means I need to be alone.