There Goes the Fear

 Quote: "Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage and confidence in the doing."

I spend Monday through Friday at a desk in an office in Brooklyn, New York. The days are long and I find myself sitting upright, constantly on edge. Waiting for the moment that I completely fuck up. Strangely enough? I’m loving it.

It’s true, my nerves have yet to fade. I consistently find myself nodding and smiling when assigned tasks, then resorting to Google to find out what my boss is talking about. I’m not sure how anyone ever interned without a search engine.

I ran errands today, stressed as usual, the hot summer sun beating down on me. I was searching for stamps and a bagel joint and needed to find an office supply store who could scan a copy of a legal document involving a potential screenplay. I was for one second, able to pause and take it all in. The people hurrying up and down the street, the hot dog vendor, the hipsters lounging about, the fact that screen play’s have become a part of my day to day life. It’s what I’ve always wanted.

I stare at the professionals that surround me, sometimes wondering if they have any idea how cool I think their life is. Do they realize just how far away their lives and careers once seemed to me? How lucky I feel to take up space near them, let alone work with them? Do they realize I have no idea what I’m doing?

I’m working with award winning film makers. A fact, that never gets old. Its part of why I’m so consistently on edge. I keep waiting for my shining intern moment. The one where they realize "hey, this kid has what it takes," and they hire me full time and I begin the long road from protege to contemporary. I’m aware that only happens in the movies, but I’m crossing my fingers anyway.

Spending weekends in New York isn’t the only thing I’m doing this summer. In 2 days, I’m leaving for Tennessee. The production company I’m working with is doing a project on Bonnaroo and the Fan Experience. I’m being flown down, put up in a hotel, being handed an all access pass and serving as a production assistant for the project.

I almost fainted when they asked if I’d be free to go down for 10 days during June. It still doesn’t seem real. I mean its one thing to sit in an office and write up proposals, attend business meetings, set up conference calls and order equipment. It’s another to be a real production assistant on a project. When employers ask if I have experience, I can actually say yes.

I’m excited and terrified. Excited for this new experience, to be interacting with some of my favorite bands, to visit a state I’ve never been to, attend a musical festival, do some real work in my field. My fears? Heat, rain, tornados, temptation, massively fucking up.

Not so long ago, my fear kept me from trying. I was so afraid to fail, that I did nothing. Now? I fight it. I take a big gulp, cross my fingers, do what I think is right and try my best.

So far its working.