The Realization

Quote: "It is not because the truth is too difficult to see that we make mistakes… we make mistakes because the easiest and most comfortable course for us is to seek insight where it accords with our emotions – especially selfish ones." -Alexander Solzhenitsyn

3 years nearly to the date since we had broken up, 9 months since we’d shared a bedm 7 months since we’d spoken, yet there we were. Sitting across from eachother at an Irish restaurant in her new town. She’d asked me to see her, told me she had something to ask. I’d forgotten about it once I saw her, so eager to catch up with Kate. The first girl I slept with, loved and well, my first for just about everything. She pulled a bottle of Dr. Pepper out of her purse to encourage honesty, saying if she liked my answer, I’d get the drink. I smiled as I remembered how she used to leave a bottle in my locker before school or bing a can over to my house if we were watching a movie. It was a life time ago.

"Why did we break up?"

The question hadn’t come quite as sudden. She’d given me backstory, swearing she wasn’t asking because she thought we should get back together or because she felt we were a great couple. Just plain curiousity. I gave her my explanation, telling her we’d been dating for over a year at that point and at 16 that’s a long time. We’d started fighting more often, shared almost every class, it had become overwhelming. I’d started a job where I was working with new people, experiencing new things. I hadn’t been happy anymore. This satisfied her enough to give me the soda. We spoke of my last break up, with both Danielle and Kristina. I left out the part where I cheated on Danielle with Kristina, didn’t need her to spit tacks at me. Instead explained our break up to her the same way I had with Danielle. Kate gave my break up skills a B, letting me know it wasn’t perfect. That I’d left her hanging. "It’s your style," Kate explained. "You close off instead of communicating before you break up with them. You do it because you like that they still like you. You like to think that you’re hard to get over. Makes you feel good about yourself."

My jaw dropped, partly because I feared it might be true. I explained that karma had gotten me. Kristina ended things with me just after she left for school, breaking my heart. Kate shrugged, she didn’t seem to feel any kind of pity when it came to my own pain. We walked down the street to a coffe shop, the air getting colder. We didn’t hold hands or even touch, something I wasn’t at all used to. Coffees in hand we made our way to her car soon enough, parking it in front of the darkened beach. I don’t know how it came up but we began to talk about what happened after the break up. The way I’d led her on most of senior year. Encouraging her to break up with her boyfriend, but backing out when it came to getting back together. Months later sleeping with her but closing off when she spoke of commitment. Letting her believe it was leading to something but pulling away when she handed me an ultimatum.

I started talking about my dad and the e-mails I found right around the break up. "It was a sadness I’d never felt before," I whispered quietly. I explained that she was the only person in the world who knew what had happened and that when I was away from her it became easier to ignore. My parents encouraged me to move on, it was easier to do so with strangers.

"I was so fucked up," I said, only at that minute realizing the depth.

Truth was, I didn’t trust my Mom’s decision to trust my Dad. Sometimes when I’m all alone and remember all the heartbreaking moments from the winter of 05-06, I’m still not sure I trust it. I couldn’t say it out loud, not even in the car with Kate. Hell, the first time I even acknowledge it as something other than a passing thought was just now. I tried to explain how hard it was for me to be around her, the only person in the entire world who knew what I was going through. The only one who didn’t believe me when I acted like everything was fine.

I wasn’t fine and even though 3 years have passed I’m still not completely fine, no matter how hard I try to hide the scars. I explained there was no excuse for my selfishness, that I shouldn’t have taken my pain out on her, not when she was trying so hard to be there for me.

"So many times people told me to forget you," Kate stated softly. "I told them they were wrong and you’d prove it. I was always waiting for you to come to your senses. Make some grand gesture to prove that you were sorry, beg me to forgive you. That never came…It felt like you didn’t care…It made me feel like shit."

I stared straight ahead, trying to keep from crying. On the drive home I came to so many realizations. I’d spent so much time hurting over what Kristina had done to me. Spent an amazing summer with me before she’d ignored me for a week and ended it out of the blue. She had promised I could trust her. I wanted so bad to hate her but I couldn’t, especially not now. I am Kristina.

We parked in front of my house, I said I wouldn’t be opposed to doing this again. Kate remained quiet. She leaned over to hug me and I tried so hard to squeeze her. I wanted to show her in that hug that she meant something to me, that I realize I’m a selfish asshole who didn’t deserve her, that I was sorry. It couldn’t be done, it was hard enough stretching over clutch, her seatbelt still fastened. "If I don’t see or talk to you again, I hope things are good for you," Kate said, honestly.

I told her not to say that, that we’d talk again, I doubt she gave it much thought. Before I opened my front door I turned back to look at her car, still parked, waiting for me to go inside. "I still don’t regret dating you," I’d said earlier in the night. Kate had paused, looking down at the table before meeting my gaze. She could tell from my eyes I was hurt by her silence. "I don’t regret dating you, just everything after,"

My heart ached. I had marred what could have been a beautiful relationship forever with my selfishness. There would never be an apology great enough, nothing I could do to take back what I’d done. I started to cry when I got to my room, for me, ,my parents, for Kate and everything in between.