The Morning After

Quote: "Moving on is simple. Its what you leave behind that makes it so difficult." -Anonymous

The morning after wasn’t really the morning after. I’d returned home just before 5 A.M., it was morning for just about everyone on my block. I’d attempted to sleep but didn’t drift off until day break. There too many thoughts, some of Kristina which made me near giddy and others of Danielle, which made me feel nearly sick. I knew what had to be done and I was dreading it.

I drove to the park later that day and sat in her jeep. Her hair was pulled back, knees at her chest. There was a sadness in her eyes that killed me. We talked about what wasn’t working and what could be done. We needed to be apart, things weren’t working anymore.

I watched her lip quiver and felt my own eyes tear up. I’d be lying if I said Danielle wasn’t a great girl. She’s one of the nicest people I know and a great girlfriend. But I couldn’t be with her. Not just because of what had happened the night before but because I hadn’t been happy long before that. We were arguing and I found myself getting annoyed at the tiniest things. I’m not a relationship expert and I know it isn’t always easy, but I feel like if it’s right, you shouldn’t have to try this hard.

But that’s exactly what she wanted to do. Try. Try to make it work, try to make the best of things. I couldn’t do it, it wouldn’t be fair, not when I knew I couldn’t give her myself 100%. I shed a few tears because I would miss her, I was letting go of a great girl and hurting her in the process. It’s not what I wanted but if I can’t be the best guy possible to Danielle, then I can’t be with her.

It was horrible leaving her in the jeep. Telling her I didn’t want to lose touch with her completely but knowing a friendship would never work. Second guessing the decision to end it, feeling guilt about the previous night.. As somone one who has been on both sides, I have to say it is much much easier to be broken up with than it is to do the breaking up.

I hung out with friends that night, the ones who knew enough not to ask questions. I couldn’t stay home and inform my concerned mother about the break up. I spent a some time texting Kristina and hung out with her the day after, having only gotten home about an hour ago.

I’m not asking questions, I’m just going along for the ride. Sitting in wet grass and staying outside even though it’s raining. I’m enjoying myself, knowing full well we’re both complicated and messed up and okay with it. I’m trying my best to keep thoughts of Danielle away, as bad as I know it sounds.

We’ll see where it goes.