The Comeback

Quote: "Who would be free themselves must strike the blow. Better even to die than to live slaves." -Frederick Douglas

I’d been struggling. I was barely eating and while my thin frame may not make it obvious, the was unusual for me. I stared at my cieling while in bed, weighing all the possibilites. Trying to figure out what would happen next. How I could help her.

Kristina was depressed. Her roommate had a boyfriend and wasn’t in the dorm as much and now she was left alone. She told me it was more than just being bored at night. It was legit. So I did what I always did, I ran to google. It was why she’d been pulling away from me, things felt different. Only the more I thought about it, the less sense it made. She wasn’t answering my texts nearly as quickly as she used to. Sometimes hours would pass and I wouldn’t hear from her until asking if she was still alive. She always had reasons or excuses.

Depression or not, something wasn’t right, hence the lack of sleep. I was doing all I could to be supportive, tell her she wasn’t alone, just like all the medical websites I’d looked at told me too. I was treating her as if she really did have something to be depressed about, even when I wasn’t sure I bought it. I was bending over backwards and if she noticed, she really didn’t care.

We were discussing it on the phone. Except I soon realized we weren’t discussing it. I was going on and on, telling her what had to change, asking if she even wanted this. "I want to work on it," was all that she said. But it was enough. I relaxed. We hung up, she was going to call me at 9.

At 10:30 I called her. Facebook informed me she’d been out of class since 8. Apparently she’d been doing homework. We began to argue, she couldn’t believe I was this mad over a text. I explained it wasn’t the text, it was the lack of effort. Kristina didn’t get it.
 "You said you wanted to work on it, how’d you plan on doing that?"
"…I don’t know,"
 "You’re going to have to give me more than that."
"I…haven’t given much thought to it."

This was after she’d told me she felt our relationship had changed. She liked me, but something had changed. The honeymoon period was over. She needed to think.
"I’m not waiting around while you figure out if you still like me," I stated bluntly.
Even though she told me it wasn’t like that, it ended.

For the first time in our 2 year on and off history, I broke up with Kristina. I wasn’t catering to her needs, not that night. I was explaining that what she was offering me, wasn’t good enough. I shut her down when she mentioned that she felt I didn’t trust her. I called her out on the mistakes I let slide in the past. Her fickle nature, her lack of consideration for people that weren’t her. I told her to admit that when it came down to it, for her I’m only a good idea in theory. She didn’t. In fact she stayed quiet through most of the speech.
"So this is it," I said, before hanging up the phone.
 "That’s what you want,"
"Don’t," I stated sternly. "Don’t you dare blame this on me. You could have stopped this, I wasn’t asking you to jump through hoops. Telling me you miss me or sending a text, that’s all I wanted. Truthfully, all you would have had to do tonight was ask me to stay and I would have, so don’t even try to put this on me."

I won’t deny that my eyes filled up at first, but then it was over. It was like I had finally become myself. I’ve listened to her sob stories, held her hand, promised to be there, only to have her leave me the next day. It had gotten me nowhere. Each time I was left feeling as if there was something wrong with me. I wasn’t good looking enough, I wasn’t cool enough, I came on too strong, I didn’t move fast enough. Over the past 3 months I can honestly stand by everything I did. It’s not me, it’s her. If the worst I did was ask her to care? Well then I can sleep fine tonight.

It rained today but as I walked the campus I didn’t even notice. Constantly compromising myself for her, because I cared so much and needed her to care back was exhausting. Ladies and gentlemen, I am making a comeback. I am free and it feels amazing.

i’m kind of tired
cause you wouldn’t let me sleep last night
i’m a reasonable man
but i can’t believe what’s on your mind
and the past three weeks were the saddest weeks
and the words you said oh, made me weak
i’m out of my mind
i’m about to crack, so
let’s call this the comeback

i been pushed around
and i’m not gonna get pushed this time
cause the time is mine
but i can’t believe what’s on your mind
and the past three weeks were the saddest weeks
and the words you said oh, made me weak
i’m out of my mind
i’m about to crack, so
let’s call this the comeback

let’s call this the comeback again
let’s call this the comeback