Point of No Return

Quote: "Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves – regret for the past and fear of the future." -Fulton Oursler

I pulled into the middle school parking lot, empty aside from the black Saturn sc2 coupe in which Kristina sat. She rolled down her window when I got out of the car her once blonde hair now light brown. She was wearing her glasses and giving me a smile. When I’d written my last entry I’d assumed we weren’t going to meet up, that my text was just going to go ignored. Turned out they were just delayed. Danielle and I had gotten into an arguement over a party she was supposed to attend with me, only made worse by revealing that Michael Phelps had gotten the gold when she knew my Mom was taping it for when I got out of work. "We’re falling apart," she’d stated after our arguement grew worse.

I didn’t answer when she asked me where I was and what I was doing. At least not immediately. I was careful not to lie, simply avoid the truth, when I gave an explanation. She wanted to talk about things that I knew I could not yet congront. Instead I was driving around with Kristina, catching up and getting lost. It was nearly 2 AM when we returned to the parking lot in which my car was parked. We’d been playing the question game, the same way we had on our first date only at this point, nearly 2 years later, there was much less we didn’t know about eachother. We spoke of the future, even me, telling her about my new plan to major in Mass Communications/Media and maybe even go to school in New York. She told me about her plans of dentistry and the eventual Dr. she hopes will preceed her name. It had rained that day and the lights in lot were making the car glow various shades of pink and gold as we surfed through different radio stations, no song quite fitting the mood.

I don’t know when it was brought up exactly, though I know it was after Danielle had gotten fed up with me ignoring the text messages she sent.  Telling me she was done and that if I wanted to talk to her, I knew where to find her. We started confessing, aplogizing for mistakes made in the past. Ending things too soon or harsh words that had been thrown out carelessly.

"I’ll never forget you asking me out. Handing me the water gun with the rose, saying you were pulling the trigger. It sounds retarded but you sounded…so..sincere."

Her voice softened on the word sincere, thus prompting me to inform her that she’d always have a piece of my heart. Then all of sudden we were communicating in a way we had never even come close to when we actually had a thing. There was eye contact mixed with old songs and old feelings.

"Why didn’t you try to get me back?"

It was a loaded question but I found myself answering with an honesty I’d never used with her before. I was always so afraid of telling her what I was feeling, about my pride and my fear of rejection. She told me I’d scared her, that she’d chosen the safe guy rather than me. Then, using my full name, the way she always does, told me I would always have a piece of her heart too.

Nearly an hour and a half and a dozen memories later I found myself playing the question game again. Asking her about her biggest regret. Kristina’s eyes locked with mine, then darted to the floor. "Ending things with an amazing guy like you." There was silence, but not the awkward kind, which was broken when she asked me the same thing. I kept my eyes on hers before stating "Not showing up on your door step the next day telling you that you’d made a mistake."

It was strange sitting in the car, listening to We the Living’s Best Laid Plans, knowing where I stood with a girl who had been a question mark in the back of my mind for a year. Not only was I asking the questions that had been on the tip of my tongue for months but I was recieving the answers I’d only dreamed of. The glow of the streetlights and the uncharacteristicly chilly August air made it seem unreal and as I watched Kristina make her way over to me, wrapped in my hoodie, my heart skipped a beat.

I held her close to me before her head tilted up. I didn’t pull away, we were long past the point of no return. We kissed. Her lips were familiar in the good way, as much as we’d changed, grown up, whatever…her kiss was still exactly the same. We drove out of the lot minutes later, fully aware of my very complicated situation, with no idea what was going to happen next.