Null and Void

Quote: "We accept the love we think we deserve." -Perks of Being a Wallflower

That was quick. Even for us.

Our last kiss was in a parking garage after a long Halloween night of deep talks and alcohol. We’d continue on to our 9 hour work days before spending the night togather to talk more about what was to happen. We’d made our promises, we would move slowly, grow together.

Something inevitably came up. We’d be hanging out the next day, Kristina would drive back to school late so we could go to dinner. I felt the familiar panic set in making the lack of trust even more evident. I was hurt but not surprised to recieve this reply when I asked if our plans were still on mere hours before they were to take place, "i don’t think so…remember I told you I like somone. Well it wouldn’t be fair to you if I did hang out and I liked someone else…" I hadn’t remembered this. Only that there had briefly been another guy who’d hurt her, caused her to learn a lesson. I told her I knew we weren’t hanging out long before she answered the text. "I just don’t think it would be fair…" She texted back weakly.

"You’re right. It’s for the best. 2 years and when it came to it you’ve never picked me. I’m not mad at you. I’m just moving on."

Kristina didn’t respond, not that I expected her to. I felt this burst of freedom upon telling her I was done. I was getting on with my life. The sadness came in later.

I pictured Kristina on the couch next to me, face in her hands, blonde hair a mess. My heart ached as she told me a sad story from a long time ago about someone who had hurt her the way no child should ever be hurt. I took her hand in mine, "It wasn’t your fault," I’d whispered. My heart breaking as she shrugged, quietly mumbling an "I guess," before looking away. We sat in that quiet dark room staring out at a parking lot full of college students running through rows of cars screaming and laughing, completely unaware of the two broken people watching from up above. Everything made sense in that moment as I squeezed her hand. I did matter to her, I just wasn’t enough. There was a void deep inside of her that she was desperate to fill. Her need for the attention of the males that came in and out of her life, her pain, I felt it. I wanted to save her.

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
In the morning I’ll be with you
But it will be a different "kind"
I’ll be holding all the tickets
And you’ll be owning all the fines

I sit here now listening to Bon Iver’s Skinny Love on repeat feeling as if someone is sitting on my chest. I want to hold her hand again, tell her things don’t have to be this way. I guess this shows I have my own voids to fill. I can’t let go of a girl who can’t love me. I’ve got to move on for my own sanity. She’s tragic in a way that’s well beyond me. I’ll try to believe that eventually I won’t think of her like I do now. I’ll tell myself it’s for the best. That eventually I will not only find someone else but also accept love from someone who loves me back. It’s the only way I’ll sleep tonight.

Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?