My Next Step

Quote: "I know not what the future holds, but I know who holds the future." – Unknown

I’m still giddy over achieving the dream, rightfully so I believe. I’ve yet to hear about housing, though I’m confident I’ll get it. That would really be a kick in the teeth, wouldn’t it? Believing I’m about to embark on this brand new journey only to find out I’m stuck living at home. I’m trying not to stress over it, just enjoy what I have.

Walking across campus Thursday, I smiled. This was one of the last times I would ever cross the parking lot at Middlesex County College. I can’t even feel nostalgic about it, I have no memories here. It was just a place I went to 4 days a week for 2 years where I obtained just under 50 college credits. Wednesday I will take my last final of the semester and finally bid the school goodbye. I can’t wait.

I was forced to fill out a survey at work today, I scanned the questions and filled in the appropriate bubbles almost mindlessly before hitting a question that made me stop in my tracks.
How much longer do you see yourself employed here?
I believe I filled in the 2-5 year bubble. I’m already about to hit year 4 of Target and assuming I keep the job for the rest of college of my collged career, which if I stay on the same track will be roughly 3 more years…Whether I accurately answered the question or not, it made me think. I looked to Corinne, who was filling out the same survey and stumped at the very same question. I tried to press her to talk about it, why she’d chosen to be a pysch major, her job prospects, her future, but she wasn’t interested. She clammed up before openly admitting she didn’t want to talk about it and requesting a subject change.
 I could attempt a similar conversation with my best friend Nick but I know his responses. Study economics, take on at least 18 credits a semester for the next two years, maybe even graduate early and attempt to move up the corporate ladder at Target. It’s not that he wouldn’t want to hear about my own plans, I know he’d be interested, I just find myself intimidated by his plan. Every tiny piece has been worked out in his head, he knows exactly where he’s going to go and what he’s going to be. 
 
I’m somewhere in between the two of them, finding myself on the right path with no idea what stops I’ll make a long the way. I’m different from them in that I actually want to move out, try the dorm life, maybe stay at Target on the weekends, maybe not. I’m open to everything, I want to explore each possibility and because I can’t truly do that until September, I want to talk about it. All the time. My main problem is, finding someone who wants to listen. Someone who will weigh every option with me, discuss pros and cons, ease my fears and encourage me.

It’s ridiculous, though not surprising, that I have such a strong urge to discuss myself in depth. It’s why I decided to write this entry, which just so happens to be number 300. If there’s anywhere I can overanalyze myself, its on here.

"You’ve definitely changed since last year…more confident I think."

It was said by and ex girlfriend who didn’t mind talking about who I am and how I got there. We spent plenty of time discussing whether or not she was where she needed to be too and it was good. We talked about how I was ready for this, in a way I hadn’t been before. I confessed I was scared, the way I had been last summer and pretty all of the 20 years that preceded it, but I have a faith in myself that hadn’t been there before. She may not have it now, but over time, it just comes. It was all I wanted really, just a long late night conversation about dreams.
 Then Danielle had to go and ruin it with a drunk dial days later, confessing feelings and an overwhelming desire to make out with me. She’s a nice girl but I’m not in love with her. I could go on about why we aren’t compatible only to have her debate but it’d be useless because the love isn’t there and without that, there is nothing that can be built.

I sit here, a mere 3 finals away from summer. I’m listening to acoustic songs, completely satisfied with the road I took to get here, longing for stimulating conversation, adventure and oppourtunity.

We’ll see how it goes.

Since this is entry 300, I just wanted to acknowledge my readers. I truly appreciate every note that was left in my last entry. You’re congratulations and continued faith in me, a stranger to almost all of you, is a driving force for me. It means a lot that each of you take the time to not only read what I write, but to comment and compliment my words. I’m not the best at leaving notes but  I can assure you I keep up with all of your lives too and am flattered that my diary has attracted so many different and interesting people.

Specifically there is one reader who has been with me since the first entry. Kel, we don’t keep in touch as much as I’d like, but you honestly know more about me than anyone in the entire world. Thank you for reading, listening and being my friend.