Moving Forward and On

Quote: "Moving on, is a simple thing, what it leaves behind is hard." -David Mustaine

Driving home from work at 1 A.M. (just another perk of working retail), while driving by  the lit up Christmas trees and flashing lights I came to a stunning revelation. Christmas is 2 days away.

I’m not sure why it’s taken so long for it to set in, the days have just whizzed by at a speed I’m not quite accustomed to. You wake up everyday going about your daily routine, shaking it up rarely only to suddenly realize it’s December and its time to get a move on things. Not only do I need to work on last minute Christmas shopping, I’ve got real life to stuff I’ve yet to get around to as well. I’m applying to Montclair, as well as 2 safety schools, this week. I will finally be breaking free from the monotony that has become the last year and a half. It’ll be a new year soon, one that promises to be very different.

I’m still looking at the pictures from Saturday night’s party, attempting to relive the glory. I play Motion City Soundtrack’s Fell in Love Without You, smiling at how well the lyrics fit. Each of us were moving on and holding on to something that night, as we drank the night away. It was just one of those nights, they’re so hard to come by, the kind where all the people, the atmosphere and situations just collide to make something brilliant. Old friends, new friends, exes, hook ups, quiet talks, cheers, an entire night brimming with possibility. That night was the beginning of something, even if I’m still not sure what yet.

It helped me to realize Nick and I aren’t going to be in the same place anymore. Sure, we’ve followed eachother from kindergarten to college but when we transfer this fall, we’re splitting up. It doesn’t mean he isn’t my best friend or even that we’ve outgrown eachother, at least I don’t think. He likes being here, in his hometown with his girlfriend. He even likes working at Target, he has a damn manager’s position that requires him to work 40 hours a week while he’s a full time student! I sit back and listen to him complain, only making him pause occasionally to remind him no one’s forcing him to do it. He responds by acting as if me having free time is something I should be ashamed of. Gone is the partier, the jack ass that I begrudgingly loved. The few times he does have a night off, he doesn’t call me. He’s got his own group of people he’d rather drink and party with and I have mine. I’m not going to be sad, I’m just going to move forward and enjoy the times we do cross paths.

The day after the night to end all nights I texted to Kristina. It began as a response to her own text "Hey, I know your probably asleep but I just wanted to tell you I had a good time with you tonight." I’d recieved it at 3 AM but decided to let it wait until morning, something I’d never done with a text from her before. We spoke of the party, what I’d missed after I left, the dog she wants for Christmas, the lack of sleep and annoyances of our places of employment. As I stare at the many pictures we took that night, our smiling faces, our glossed over eyes, I vaugely recall our porch conversation. The only crystal clear vision I have is of a sad girl in the snow, holding back her thoughts and feelings.

I want her and I don’t. I can’t help but to be drawn to her in a situation like that, one where everyone has paired off. We laugh together, each silently recalling our night in the hot tub over the summer. We smile knowingly when one makes an inside joke only the other could understand. It’s over but we stare at eachother confused, though I’m sure that’s more me than her. She wants me, but probably not enough to be with me.

I’m going to move on from her too, as impossible as it may seem.