Mother, We Just Can’t Get Enough

Quote: "Our strength grows out of our weaknesses." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Valentine’s Day stress was both premature and unnecessary. I’d been comparing myself to others, worried she’d be doing the same. I was terrified she’d hear about our friend’s weekend gettaways, candle lit dinners and be disapointed with my low key evening which went off without a hitch.

I barely had any money which is probably what prompted my father to give me his credit card February 14th. This allowed me to make reservations at Bennihana, where the average wait time for getting seated even with a reservation, was well over an hour. I say this knowing full well I may sound like a tool but my charm got us seated much earlier than anticipated and am not ashamed to say allowed us to cut many other hungry customers.

We returned to my house after we ate where I was able to give her the gifts I’d picked up for her. First up was the hand made card. Followed by a heart shaped pillow with the word "electricity" stiched on the front. Three times the weekend before she’d leaned in for a kiss and recieved an electric shock from my lips, the pillow seemed appropriate. Next was a stuffed a Curious George wearing pajamas. Why pajamas? Because you wear pajamas to sleep and when you sleep, you dream. "You," I informed. "are the girl of my dreams." I ended with the book Six-Word Memoirs on Love and Heartbreak which featured just enough romantic memoirs to be cute, enough sad to make you think, and enough funny to not be cheesy. It’s safe to say they were all a hit.

Kissing her after she’d given me a Brand New hoodie as well as the tickets to their upcoming show in April, a lot of things started to make sense. I’d never understood the romantic relationships of those around me. How my friends maintained interest in just one person and why being so serious at this age didn’t freak them out was beyond me. I get it now. I just wasn’t with the right girl. I’d rejected being overly mushy for so long, making fun of those around me. I just hadn’t felt that way about anyone in such a long time it was impossible to relate. It almost made me regret spending so much time on the people that didn’t end up mattering in the long run. I haven’t felt this way about a person since I was 15. I haven’t told her yet, but I’m in love.

Giving into these feelings, admitting weakness, vulnerability, I’m not good at it. I’m okay talking about how I feel, really I am, but I don’t like being exposed. I like wiggle room. It’ll be some time before I can cross that bridge but I’m not worried. I’m having an amazing time.

A few months back I got into a fist fight. Not a fist fight really, I punched someone who I felt deserved it. He was drunk and making moves on my little cousin, who was a little intoxicated herself. Leanne and I have tried to pretend it didn’t happen, I decided not to acknowledge the fact that she somehow was able to remain friends with this guy. Now I’m trying not to acknowledge the fact that I’m ninety percent sure she’s dating him. I can’t decide if I want to bring it up, tell her it’s okay. Hell, I’m not even sure it is okay. In the long run, if she likes him, I should like him. But saying that, doing that, admitting defeat, it is not an easy task.

I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting lately. About who I am and how I got here. Part of it is because I’ve been reading so many old entries, it’s hard to believe I’ve been writing on here for so long. The point is, it’s made me realize I don’t always like who I was but I do like who I’m becoming.