I Feel Fine

Quote: "All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on." -Henry Ellis

It’s after midnight. I’d assumed I was in the for the night but here I am leaving my house to spend some time with a girl I’d long considered the one that got away. The drive felt long and I found myself speeding, when I actually reached her house and been invited inside it was almost as if I had to force myself to slow down. I’d been moving so quickly, each movement so rushed, sitting down to watch a movie was going against everything I’d had in my mind. Still, we ate pop corn while watching Say Anything, made small talk until we began to hold hands. We were kissing soon enough, then groping, our kisses hungry. Brianne led me to her bedroom, shutting the door behind her. We shed our clothing and fell into bed.

I laid next to her after, covered in sweat, my hand touching hers. It took some time for the post-sex after glow to fade, but once it did, one question repeated in my mind. What are we doing? Eventually I said it out loud, maybe somewhat abruptly and truthfully it would have been easier to ease my way into that conversation but I was damn near ready to explode.

We talked for over an hour, about our history, the dates we went on at 16. The kisses we shared at 17. The way we’ve kept in touch ever since. Her fear of not being able to live up to the vision I’d created for her over the years. I acknowledged my own selfishness which consistantly gets in the way of my relationships. There was talk of the distance, her being in Maryland and the fact that I was weeks away from starting school in North Jersey. My whole life was about to change and I could hardly guarentee that I’d make it home every weekend, let a lone make it to Maryland.

"It’s not going to work,"

I don’t know which one of us said it first, but I’m fairly sure we’d figured it out at the same time. When our conversation began we were both lying in bed, naked, exposed. Once the realization began to sink in we were sitting up, pillows covering the important parts. I think what surprised us more, was just how okay we were with things ending. At the end of the day, Brianne and I work as friends. There was a reason she never became my girlfriend and it had nothing to do with distance, college or any other excuse that kept us apart. We’d built up our relationship over the years, wondering what might have been and all that, but we simply don’t have what it takes to become a couple. I’m glad it happened and I’m glad I we acknowledged everything and I’m also okay that it’s over. In fact, I feel fine.

Better than fine. The past few weeks of my life could be best summed up via music montage. Because that’s impossible to do through words, I’ll do my best to describe them to you.

Spending a night at Blaise’s grandma’s shore house was easily one of the best events of the summer. We sang to Brand New songs while playing beer pong and taking shots. We held debates over topics as serious as Topanga Lawrence vs. Winnie Cooper and Steve Urkel vs. Screech Powers. Drunkenly devised a plan to get to the beach for night swimming without getting caught by the more responsible party goers. We eventually did make it to the beach, quietly leaving the house, careful not to wake those who had advised against the plan. Soon we were blasting MGMT’s Time to Pretend as drove all around the lonely streets of an unfamiliar shore town in search for the beach. It was around 5 A.M. when we finally found it. We ran down the sand, cheering at our victory, ripping off our shirts before we dove into the cold ocean. I went out as deep as I could before swimming back to sit on the life guard tower. We stayed there until the sun came up, taking in the view. We didn’t make it home until after 6, drifting off to sleep as the neighborhood’s day was about to begin.

Corinne turned 21 over the weekend. We stayed at the beach until my skin turned a violent shade of red and went to her house that evening to celebrate. It was good times, with good friends. Sadly, it also signifies the end of summer.

In 11 days I’ll move our of my house and into a dorm with a stranger. I’m excited, but part of me wants to live in that one night forever. Good friends, oceans, sand, Southern Comfort, MGMT, boat trips, lagoons, dunken coversations…I know there will be more to come. That the fall will bring a new set of adventures my way, I just didn’t think I’d miss my summer this much. I thought I’d be aching to get out and while I certainly am, I’m still very much enjoying what I’m doing.