Gray Knight

Quote: "If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month." – Theodore Roosevelt

"I want to be the kind of guy you deserve."

I say it and mean it, but I know I’m not. White Knights don’t get drunk and sleep with a girl who was only interested in their roommate. Not when there’s a girl at home who cares about them. They don’t spend another night screaming at a girl who has become so toxic that they no longer know who they are. 

I did this. I became the girl I loved and hate. The selfish, careless girl who cared about me too much to let me go but not enough to be with completely. She needed confirmation from men to make her feel good, I was not enough. There was too much going on in her head and her heart, she couldn’t be me the way I needed.

I hated her so much for doing that to me. For letting me hang around long enough to love her.

I made a confirmation to Heather on Friday night, that I didn’t want to be the guy I was. I wanted to be better, for her and myself.

I was doing okay until an honest friend told me what they thought about my recent actions. Maybe I am a fraud.

I can’t blame things on the affair my father may or may not have had forever. I know I want to be better but I fall into these patterns. I selfishly act like the girl who destroyed me and the father I can’t trust. I don’t know how exactly these things come together but they always seem to. 

Maybe I am more trouble than I’m worth.