Fireflies

Quote: "Unless you are prepared to give up something valuable you will never be able to truly change at all, because you’ll forever be in control of things you can’t give up." -Andy Law

I’ve made contact with the roommate. I broke, sending him an E-mail before he contacted me. It made me resent him immediately. I obviously don’t know much about him yet except from what his Facebook has told me. And really, all his Facebook has told me is that he has shoulder length hair, a beard and is substantially larger than me. He doesn’t have a thing listed in his interests section which kills me because I judge others based on favorite movies, music and tv shows. You may think I’m joking, but sadly enough, I mean that quite literally.

I had quite the weekend, most notably Friday night when I ended up at a bar for a friend’s 21st birthday. I’d chosen to pregame the event with Corinne, taking 3 shots of Southern Comfort before we got there. We were able to sneak drinks for a majority of the night, even though I’m fairly sure I made our waitress suspicious. I took a jolly rancher shot for the birthday girl, drank a mind eraser at the urging of a good friend and topped it off with a Dr. Pepper shot. It’s safe to say I was feeling good.
 "I’m having a great time!" I exclaimed, the way I so often do when I drink.
Shortly after ten all of those under 21 were asked to leave the bar. I swear the next 9 months will be the longest of my entire life. I cannot wait until it’s legal for me consume alcohol. Especially since that’s about the only thing that will make my parent’s loosen up a bit. My mother hates drinking and all that it entails. It comes from an living with an alcoholic father and I get that, but only to an extent. It’s what makes living at home so hard. Having to hide the fact that every now and then, I drink. I don’t drive, I don’t hurt anyone, at least if you don’t count the hang overs. Her not being home Friday night is what allowed us to go back to my house after being kicked out of the bar.

More than a little buzzed we drank some beers and played some board games. Everyone left a little before 2, except Corinne who had chosen to finish her drink and hang out a little bit longer. We talked about Montclair and my moving date which was only getting closer. I watched as her mouth dropped slightly when I’d informed her I planned on going on an educational leave from Target, the place I’d worked for 4 years. I’d told her earlier in the week I’d been searching for an on campus job and I knew what I’d said it she didn’t realize it meant I wouldn’t be home every weekend, the way I’d originally planned.

Her eyes filled with tears and strangely enough, so did mine. She’s become my best friend over the past couple of years. The person I see the most, tell my stories to, trade DVD’s with. I listen to her problems, tell jokes to make her feel better. If I didn’t love her so much sometimes I think I would be in love with her.
 "I was scared to tell you," I confessed. "Because I knew that out of everyone, you’d be the one who’d care most, you know? Everyone else they have their own things, but you and me, it’s different. Out of everyone I know, you’re the best at being my friend. And I want you to know that more than having a million reasons to leave, I really just wanted one to stay."
 She cried some more but then began to comfort me.
"This is my chance, you know? Like I have a chance to actually like the classes I’m taking, not just tolerate them. I’m going to be in an entirely new place with all new people, living with a stranger who I’m pretty sure is weird and I am just so fucking scared and I really really need you to remind that I’m gonna be ok."
I had my head in my hands at this point, sitting at the kitchten table, eyes blood shot when I felt her hand on my back.
 "I get it," Corinne assured, her own face tear stained. "You’re alot braver than me, I’m still home because I’m way too scared to do what you’re doing. It’s gonna be ok, it’s just going to be different."

And that, is terrifying. Everything in my life is about to change from the people who surround me, to the buildings I spend time in, to my daily routine. Every relationship I have will under go some type of change. There will be those I see more and those I see less. Those who used to be just blocks away, I’ll have to set up plans to see them. Gone will be our regular routines. It felt good having that talk, even if it was laced with alcohol and tears. I’ve tried so hard to bring it up to my parents, wanting to weigh the options of joining a frat, discuss my strange roommate, and the idea of spending next summer in Italy, but it would be no use. Whenever the subject of college comes up they want to talk about loans and meningitis shots. Important enough in their own right, but the least of my issues, not when all I can think about is the constant rate at which my life is changing.

What get’s me almost as much as the things I may start to miss, are the things I already do. Aside from Corinne my best friend has been Nick, going all the way back to kindergarten. Since we were five we’ve taken part in every milestone together. Communion, confirmation, middle school, 8th grade dances, getting our first job, proms, graduation, even college. Now that we’ve finished community college we’re heading to different schools for the first time in 15 years. Our relationship has gone through it’s own transformation. I’ll always refer to him as my best friend but I’d be lying if I said we haven’t drifted some. If that’s happened while we live 2 minutes from eachother and work in the same building, I’d hate to think of what me leaving town will bring.

I have all these fears and strangely enough, it’s easier to deal with then the excitement I have. I’m trying to keep my expectations low but truthfully? All this change and possibilty, is exactly what I need. Even if it does give me panic attacks.

I’d like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly
It’s hard to say that I’d rather stay awake when I’m asleep
‘Cause my dreams are bursting at the seams