Failure

Quote: "There are two kinds of failures: Those who thought and never did, and those who did and never thought." -Laurence J. Peter

I’m still without a car and barely have the correct funding for a new one. It’s been a week now and its safe to say I’m tired of it. Sure my Mom has been great about getting me to school and work but that’s hardly enough. I can’t do it anymore, I can’t rely on others for rides. It’s a total pain in the ass.

Kristina has been particularily awesome since my car has been out of comission. Thursday night she drove an hour home from school, picked me up and then drove us the hour back to her dorm so we could get drunk and have a sleep over. We have a nice little set up, just the right amount of mutual friends. Last night before heading back to school we were laying in my bed. I was going on about how much I appreciated her going out of her way to pick me up, drive me around all weekend and go above and beyond girlfriend duties.

"I feel like I still have a lot to prove," She informed, before giving me a kiss.

And that is exactly why we’re working right now. We are acknowledging past mistakes but not dwelling on them. It’s why I’d like to go above and beyond on Valentine’s Day. Only as I stated before I no longer come with a car or deep pockets. I’m not real great at this kind of thing. I’m not romantic, at least not in the traditional sense. I think maybe she is and if that’s the case I’m more than willing to jump out of my comfort zone, at least for one night. I’m just not sure what "traditonal romance" is, at least beyond candy and roses. I’ve convinced a friend to drive me to the mall in hopes that an idea will come to me.

I was lying in bed the other night, room was dark, just past 2 A.M. when I came to a terrifying realization. I’m not getting into Montclair. My dream school. The only school I’ve applied to. The only place that has appealed to me since graduating high school nearly two years ago.

Why won’t I get in? I never succeed on my first try. I always screw something up forcing myself to do things the hard way rather than go the simple route. I’d been on this roll since I’d finally gotten the girl, sure that this meant I’d attain other things too. Now, I’m not so sure.

My lack of confidence, especially when it comes to my acedemic success really damns me. I’m always looking for plan B’s. Broadcasting, my intended major, is highly competitive. It makes me want to settle. Be an English teacher or work human resources. Especially since it’s foreign to nearly everyone around me. My best friend can’t understand why I’d ever want to leave the comfort of home. He’s planning on rising in the ranks at Target, he’s already made the part time we got together at Target 4 years ago a full time gig. I can’t let it get to me. If I do end up settling, it can’t be there. I need bigger and better things.

I can get bigger and better things. Montclair will be the first step in the right direction. I hope to God the panic that set in the other night was just low confidence getting in the way of my dreams. I want it more it more than anything I’ve wanted in a long time. I’ve mailed my application. Now, I sit and wait.