Excess Baggage

 Quote: "You’re the shit and I’m knee deep in it." – Frightened Rabbit

She was new and she was naked in my bed. We were tangled in sheets, panting and exploring. We’d been partnered up in our TV class and bonded over relationship woes. We now found ourselves single and two of the last few souls on campus over spring break. We’d made out a bit in the previous week, but shots of jager made sure it didn’t stop there.

I wasn’t looking for anything serious and while I may have a crush on her, I had not even considered my intentions. Still, it stung when she said she could never be serious about me.

"Too much drama," She began. "Tina lives one floor away and I know you’ve hooked up with her since the break up."

I looked down, suddenly feeling more naked than I had before.

"I could never get between you guys," She said, matter of factly, brushing her hair with her fingers. "And it’s not because you guys have some great love, you don’t. You just refuse to move on from her."

I instantly regretted telling her that I’d cheated on Lindsay with Tina. In fact, I regretted cheating on Lindsay completely. I still can’t believe I did it. Multiple times, no less. Sure it was drunken make outs, but the fact that I was sharing meals and flirting with an ex girlfriend as often as I was, just makes me an asshole. It doesn’t matter that Lindsay never found out. I did it and that’s enough.

Still, I sit here, knowing part of the reason I’m enjoying my day is because she sent me a text message. It’s somewhat ironic, I spent the better part of last year trying to convince Tina that she should just cut her ex boyfriend loose. He wasn’t going to love her the way she needed him to. My friend’s all gave up giving me that speech long a go. I’ll admit that sometimes I feel like I’m moving backwards. Before I got kicked out of my apartment, I’d made real progress. I wasn’t talking to her or even thinking about her as much. I’d moved on and matured. Found Lindsay, a girl who put me first and respected me enough to not cheat. Then the drinking incident happened, Lindsay was banned from campus and I just so happened to get moved into Tina’s dorm, one floor away from her.

I’m back to picturing her face every time I hear a song about lost love. I day dream about bringing her to family events. I’m kissing her in the rain and laughing my ass off. But have I seen her at all spring break? Nope. There are only three days left now, but I know enough to know I won’t be seeing her. We live different lives. We have no real future.

It’s so easy to forget about those nights in September. The screaming matches that occurred nearly every drunken Thursday. I’ll never forget the way she crumbled into my arms, crying hysterically. I needed her, I needed to save her, protect her. She pulled herself together and pushed me away. 

"Walk away and I swear to God I’ll never talk to you again."

Tina walked and didn’t look back. I started crying on the way back to my apartment. Then started punching a street sign, screaming to no one in particular. I stumbled back into my place, slid down the wall and sat on the kitchen floor. One roommate iced my hand, the other squeezed my shoulder.

We had sex two weeks later.

Sure, we aren’t fighting like that this semester, but the potential is still there. I still don’t trust her, but I grave her. I don’t want her, but I love her. I can be with anyone else and I’ll only think of her. It’s not healthy but I just can’t get over it.

In other news, I’ve sent in an application to intern at the local news station this summer. I’m praying to God that I get it. I need a change more than I need anything in the world.