Don’t Dream It’s Over

 Quote: "A man is not old until regret takes the place of dreams." – John Barrymore

It makes so much sense when I’m snuggled up in bed with an ex girlfriend who knows so much. Especially as the night’s beer buzz is beginning to fade away and cool October air is blowing in through my bedroom window. Tina’s smiling because she wants me to hold her and I’m happy because I just don’t want to sleep alone. My heart is racing and I need to move, but I’m so exhausted I’m not sure that I can. We’re apart for a thousand reasons but there seems to be no one else I can talk to that night. Anyone else would require too much exposition. I’d have to convince them I’d wanted to live in Los Angeles since before I even understood what it was. 

She can tell me she know’s I need to go because she knows if I stay in New Jersey we’ll still be apart. The only thing we have is a knowing look and my arm around her that night, blankets pulled up our chins. 

"I’ve made promises myself. I’ll never forget staring at the sun that stung my eyes and warmed my face. The chill of the Pacific running through my toes. My last look at LA at night, the car’s illuminating those walking the city, as the buildings disapeared from sight. Or the other promise I made to myself, that I would be coming back."

The above is from an entry written on June 4th, 2005. I told Tina about that moment before I’d even had a chance to go back and read it. I felt my eyes fill up, dark blue shadows surrounding us. I described the lights I saw as we left the restaurant, my last look at Hollywood. She smiled and even teared up a little herself.

"You have to go," She whispered.

And I knew that I would.

I drove home tonight. Just a few hours ago I was sitting in the living room with my parents who ask me questions about car insurance, utilities, leases and jobs prospects. I break out a calculator and a laptop but sit before them dumbfounded. I don’t have answers and I barely understand the questions. I ask for help. I need money to get there and I don’t have it.

I’m told that it’s not an option. That if I want to cross the country on my own that I have to pay for it on my own. My heart breaks because it’s impossible. I ask about savings and am told that it’s to pay for loans. I ask why I can’t use it for rent instead. 

"Dad, has anyone in your entire life asked you to drop everything and move to California?"

No.

"Then how can I say no?"

He tells me about how he lived in Wisconsin for less than a year in his twenties. He couldn’t find a job, had no money and was forced to go back home. I ask if he regrets it. There is a moment of silence and then an answer.

"It served a purpose."

It’s all I need to hear but it’s not enough to get me there. Tuesday night in bed, it was as if California is just a hop, skip and a jump away. Staring at my parents, the two who have paid for college, paid my way while I interned full time (for no pay) this summer and who continue to support me financially to this day and asking for money… California may not even exist.

I’m sure I sound selfish and spoiled. I’ve been handed so many things, even the move in itself, was tossed into my lap. Still it’s quiet when I say "if I’m in New Jersey come January, a part of me will die." because I think they know its true.