Devil Town

Quote: "It is a pity that we cannot escape from life when we are young." – Mark Twain

It’s amazing what a few months can do. I see things a little clearer now, which is why though I did decide to hang out with Danielle again, it will never become a regular thing. She called me under the guise of giving me a book back that I’d lent her back in June. We’ve barely spoken since our break up in August, unless you count the texts she sent the month after telling me she missed me and wanted to work on things, most of which went ignored. I wasn’t cruel about it. I just told her it wasn’t what I wanted anymore, but she kept sending the texts anyway.

We talked about the things that have changed since the break up, most notably the death of her father. She said there were few people she felt she could talk about it with and that even though I was one of them, she’d been reluctant to approach me. Even after I’d gone to the wake and explained there were bigger things going on than break ups or exes. I cringed when she told me her best friend hadn’t gone to the funeral. She never did have much of a support system. Just in the way she was speaking I could see that Danielle had grown up significantly since the last time we’d had a serious talk. But in an instant, it changes. She’s asking me if I want to hear a secret, one I have to promise never to tell. My cousin’s boyfriend cheated on her with Helena. Danielle’s best friend who I made out with in my last entry. She says it like it’s just another piece of gossip, as if I’ll get a kick out of some guy screwing over my younger cousin. It’s that side of her that I don’t miss, the one who stirs up trouble but acts like she was telling you because she felt you "needed to know".

We saw Helena and Rahul soon after. They were drunk and arguing. She wasn’t understanding that he really didn’t plan on pursing a relationship her after spring break ended. Helena was screaming and crying in the Dunkin Donuts parking lot becaues Rahul told her to go back to the guy she’d been cheating on him with. She continuted to ask why he didn’t love her anymore. I dug through Danielle’s c.d.’s, ignoring the two of them the way I’d grown accustomed to. Danielle told me about the guy who had burned them for her.
 "I’ve got him wrapped around my finger," She said with a smile.
"You’re proud of that?" I asked skeptically.
 She responded with a shrug and smile.
At the bar we’d snuck into days earlier Rahul had said enough to let me know she was still interested. He advised me to at the very least hook up with her before school started. I wasn’t initially sold on the idea at first, but now I can say it nearly repulses me.
"It’s good you applied somewhere else," Danielle announced, barely audible over the arguing drunks outside her jeep. "I thought you’d be in county college forever."
 She laughed as she said it, the way she does all her not so vieled insults. It disapointed me to hear her say it. What disapointed me more was what she had become. Danielle always had an inner mean girl cheerleader deep inside of her, but I’d never seen her use anyone. Even if Rahul swore I was the guy she was actually into, it made my stomach turn to think someone else was sitting at home while she sent him half assed texts. Enough so he got the hint but ensuring that he wouldn’t be moving on any time soon. Danielle has hardened since the death of her father. The girl with long brown hair who cried at the drop of a hat now sports chin length black hair and laughs about the romantic feelings of others.

I’m no saint, not by any means, but since high school and being hurt myself I have worked extra hard to be sensitive to others. I’m still more self absorbed than I’d like to be but never would I brag about someone I used to date that still wants to be with me. I wanted to remind her that she’d been in his boat back in August, remind her what it was like, but knew there would be no point.

I think what scared me more than what had changed, was what had remained the same. We’re all still here drinking and fighting in parking lots. Helena and Rahul still drove off together, knowing full well they’d be sexing eachother up within minutes. Danielle was still conforming to those around her. As soon as Helena entered the jeep, even her posture changed. A mere two seconds ago her heart was open, eyes filled up but once the car door closed a switch was flipped.

I felt trapped on the way home. I wanted to escape these people and the cycles they try to suck me into. I passed countless restaurants and stores, realizing I knew at least one person who worked at each one and that they knew me. I was damn near claustrophobic while staring out the window at the streetlights whizzing by, the streetlights I’ve passed a thousand times before. At that moment I wanted to be somewhere far away in a place where no one knew me. No one would have any expectations, I’d be a clean slate.
 At the end of the night I was happy to be in my home, away from the drunk and disorderly but I still couldn’t shake the feeling. Lying down in bed I felt as if I weighed a thousand pounds. I thought of my best friends(my real friends, not the Danielle/Helena/Rahul mess), my family, my job and how at the end of the day I loved all of them. Guilt began to creep in because as much as I care about them, I still feel as if they don’t have anything new to offer me. It hardly made any sense. I hate change. I clam up when meeting new people. I stick to my own, follow the beaten path. I’m never interested in strangers. Yet, I’ve never needed something different more than I do now.

I don’t want to erase the memories I’ve made in this town or delete the amazing connections I have, I just want more. I want to escape. I need to escape.