Can’t Stand Still

 Quote: "Change means that what was before wasn’t perfect. People want things to get better." Esther Dyson

I broke. I don’t even know why I chose to make the call at that exact moment. It’s not like I was having some sort of epiphany or I’d heard one of our songs or found an old birthday card she’d made for me. Nope, I was driving to the bank. Surfing through radio stations I just said, "fuck it." I pulled out my phone and dialed her number.

Tina and I made plans to meet at the halfway point between my house and hers. It was a small town neither of as had ever heard of, but I hopped in my car anyway. I needed to see her. Needed to get things off my chest and a phone call wouldn’t do these feelings justice. We went to a park which wasn’t especially impressive. There was a jungle gym, picnic tables and a swing set. The heat, even at 10:30 at night was near unbearable. I wanted it to rain, to break the heat as well as the tension. 

No such luck. We caught up, trading stories. I talked of my internship, Bonnaroo and my New York City dreams. She smiled as she remembered sitting in the grassy field up at school so long ago. We talked of the skyline, visible from my room at the time. I had liked what it symbolized. I wasn’t there yet, but the destination was in sight. She told me about her own dreams, singing, acting and broadway. Sharing these dreams and fears with each other gave us hope. We believed in one another more than we believed in ourselves and if one person could hear these thoughts and not only relate, but think of it as real….well then we might just be ok.

Tina’s dreams are still far away. I have to remember that she’s two years younger than I am and I wasn’t even close to being where I am now. Still, it felt good to have someone so excited and supportive of me and having that someone not be my mom made it even better. Still, we needed to get around to the elephant in the room eventually.

I’d become so emotionally attached to her this year thought I briefly overcame it in the winter. I’d gotten a new girlfriend, using Tina only as a crutch when I felt low. Then due to the trouble I got into first semester, I was forced to move just one floor away from her. Then suddenly she was regularly in my orbit. We partied, ate dinner, did homework and walked to class together on the regular. Feelings I’d pushed down resurfaced and I gave in. I wish I could say it only happened once but it’d be a lie. I cheated. 

There’s no justification. Eventually we both found ourselves single. I’ll never forget kissing her in the downpour outside our dorm, bottles of liquor clanking in my backpack. The laughter we couldn’t control throughout the entire elevator ride. I still smile when I think about it.

The smile fades when I think about what may have been a drunken misunderstanding. A friendship between her and my roommate I didn’t quite understand. A kiss that may have been a joke or may have been a secret. The screaming, fighting and break down I had on the last day of March. Maybe I’d blown it into something bigger, but I couldn’t help it. Everything with Tina was big. Every song I played for her, every conversation we had, every look shared from across the room, it was all consuming and epic. To take it in, to not react, it wouldn’t have done us justice.

It sounds ridiculous, I’m aware of this. 

We sat in my car, blasting the air conditioning now because this July heatwave was killing us. I asked what she wanted us to be, the way I had a thousand times before.
"I want to walk out into the balcony of my apartment and I want to see you on the bench’s looking up at me. I want us to have those moments again, I want that stupid Romeo and Juliet moment for us."
I sighed and stared at my steering wheel.
"I can’t do Romeo and Juliet anymore."

We talked more and Tina cried, talking about how close we’d come. We could have had it all, blah blah blah. The cold air blowing out of the vents was getting to me. I stepped out and laid down on the hood of my car, Tina soon following suit. We stared up at the sky, pollution and clouds seemingly blocking out all but a few stars. She talked about how anything could happen. We could end up in an apartment in Brooklyn in a few years, living out our dreams together. She said if we could just work on being friends, moving slow, gradually building towards something more, maybe we could be together.

I can’t do gradual. Not with her. Maybe not with anyone. If I want you, I want you now.

"I just want to go back to last semester, before thing’s got so bad"

"We can’t go back and you know what, we’ve done that Tina," I stated, sitting up. "We’ve moved slow, built a friendship, spent every waking minute together. Maybe we would have gotten together, maybe not. Either way, ship sailed. I’m doing different things now. I go to work and I’m scared shitless every single day because I’m doing what I love and I don’ t want to fuck it up. It’s exhausting and I’m tired all the time. Sometimes I freak out and I want to quit, but a few days later? It’s over. And I’m ok and I’m fine. I realize I like being scared. I like changing. I care about you, but I can’t go back. Not for more of the will they/won’t they ‘Rome and Juliet’ stuff. It was exciting then, but it doesn’t scare me anymore. I need to be scared."

Tina stared at me, then smiled sadly. 

"I want to be scared too."

I held her tightly when we said goodbye that night. I don’t know what our future holds, if there’s hope there. I just know I won’t allow for more of the same.