Becoming

 Quote: "So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable." -Unknown

My last entry should have been written quite some time ago. I don’t know why I neglect Open Diary the way I do, I’m always writing about things way after they happen. I’m really trying to not make that the case. I had the good sense at age 14 to start writing about my life because I wanted to remember everything. I was about to enter high school, the place they make movies about. I knew each and every moment would need to be recorded so that I could vividly recall the movie I so often pretend my life is. I was looking over old entries earlier this evening and couldn’t be more thankful I’d taken the time out back then. 

In this diary there are many stories. First love, grief, disappointment, happiness. The touch stones of any adolescent. For about two years I wrote about wanting to escape my town, go away to school and start new experiences. I did it. I just finished up my second year away and have only one semester left before I can be considered a college graduate. I’ve met people I love like family, people who have disappointed me, fallen in love and had my heart broken. I have made a million mistakes, said the wrong thing, stayed out too late, made a fool of myself and felt completely alone. It’s exactly what I wanted. I have been challenged in ways that just weren’t happening while I lived at home full time. I remember looking out at the New York City skyline on move in day and knowing that I was just one step closer to my dream.

Because that’s been the only real constant in every story. Fear. Fear to admit my dream, fear of trying, fear of failing, fear of settling.

I start an internship at a film company in Brooklyn this Monday. I drove there today, just to get used to the ride. I walked around, stood on the pier over looking the water front, just blocks from where I’ll be worked. I took a picture of the address on the building to send to my Mom, then walked the streets. I was surrounded by young people in flannels, walking dogs and pushing strollers. Used book stores, clothing boutiques and record stores. Not to mention restaurants, bars and parks galore.

This is my life. This is where I will be showing up 5 days a week for the next 4 months.

I’m still in disbelief. I never thought I’d actually get here, an actual internship in the field of my choice. It came about in the strangest way. I’d just about given up on doing anything industry related until early April when the right person walked into my classroom. An academy award nominated documentary filmmaker had come into the class to be interviewed for our class project. We spoke of her film, her future plans, all on camera. I sat across from her, reading questions I’d researched. I’d been dreading the interview. I wasn’t having a great day and just wanted to go back to my dorm and lay in bed. But still, brought my A game and did the best job I could. After it ended she mentioned she was always looking for interns. I emailed her the following day.

And here I am. There’s not telling where this job will take me, but the possibilities are endless.

Of all the stories I’ve told, this just might be my favorite. I’ve doubted myself so much, I still do, but she saw something in me. It is with great pleasure that I write this entry. It’s the next step in seeing who I become.