Balls to the Wall

 Quote: "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear." – Mark Twain

I am terrible at updating. My life is busy and I never seem to find the time. I’ve got to change that, I really do.

Bonnaroo was one of the best experiences I’ve ever had. Whether it was running to get a camera guy a battery or watching Arcade Fire from the side stage, 80 thousand people in front of me, wishing they could be as close as I was. I got to see things and meet people I never could have imagined. I said "hello" to Matt and Kim as they told me to have  a good day. I kept going as if this was just something that happened from time to time. Pretended I was used to Ron Jeremy eating his lunch just a table away from me while he was surrounded by 20 year old girls.

I moved in close to a girl named Natasha, a volunteer at the festival, who had asked me to go see Pretty Lights with her. Lights of all colors flashed all around us, her tan skin covered in glitter, her smile dangerous. I cautiously moved my hand to her waste, having just chugged 3 beers, desperate for a buzz and the balls that would come with it. She confessed to having consumed some mushrooms and danced with me as if there weren’t thousands of people around us.

I was screamed at, told to hurry, told I’d made mistake after mistake and constantly promising "it won’t happen again". Such is the life of a PA. I grabbed waters, coffee, eye drops and equipment. Held a boom pole, took notes and logged footage. Any other bitch work you can come up? Probably completed by me.

But then it happened. I was handed a boom pole and a camera man and told to find some people to interview. I interviewed campers, some high on drugs, others on life. Heard stories of marriage proposals, friendship, passion and escape. I smiled as a guy standing on the middle of Shake Down Street wearing a green man suit told me how Bonnaroo allowed people to be free and express themselves in a way they were unable to in their day to day lives. I knew I’d struck gold just then, that his sound byte would make the final cut. His words, prompted by my question. It was a satisfaction that cannot be described.

Best of all? The pass around my neck. The one I would wave to open any gate. The ones that allowed me side stage to any show I wanted to see. The same pass that allowed me to enter artist catering and mingle with the bands. It made me feel invincible.

Since then I’ve spent many days at the Brooklyn office, writing proposals, logging footage, running errands, the regular intern activities. 

Tomorrow I begin another job as a production assistant. My first paid gig. I was set up with it by another intern and it just so happened to coincide with time off from my internship. I will be driving a van through New York City picking up equipment that I will then take to a studio where they are shooting a real project that is paying me to assist them. 

My heart’s beating and my stomach is turning. Driving a van around NYC? I’m only just getting comfortable driving my tiny Ford Focus up and down the city streets. Then being on set and at the mercy of a director who’s wish will be my command. Thank God for my thickening skin. I don’t know what the next 3 days will bring me. I’m going in completely blind.

It’s enough to make me want to quit. In fact, I almost declined. Sounds ridiculous right? I’m just constantly fighting the fear that is living the dream. I’m so damn scared of fucking up that sometimes I’d rather do nothing. Just sit in my bedroom listening to music, sleeping in and drinking with friends. Have a "regular" few days off from interning.

Except, thats not what this summer is about. I’m achieving. Occasionally failing but rolling with the punches, promising "it will never happen again" and never making the same mistake twice. Does it mean less time spent drinking with friends, no beach days, no romantic prospects or sleeping in? Yes. I’m stepping out of my comfort zone and taking a step closer to the man I want to be.