And…Action

Quote: "Thinking is easy, acting is difficult, and to put one’s thoughts into action is the most difficult thing in the world." -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I haven’t written in over a month. The longest break I’ve taken in the six years I’ve been writing here. Part of it was because I’ve been busy, taking action, getting shit done. This won’t happen again. The entire reason I started this diary was so I would remember things, the little things that fade with time. I will continue writing regularly from now on, if I ever plan on thriving in my intended career, its the only way I’ll succeed.

After two years of almosts and maybe’s I can now call Kristina my girlfriend. It’ll be one month on Valentine’s Day. It wasn’t an easy process though, in fact it was something I questioned nearly every day over break. I snuck her into my house around 4 A.M. after a night of drinking just a day before I was to leave for Miami. We were careful to be quiet as we crept up the stairs to my bedroom. I plugged in my iPod and set it to play the playlist I’d created for her back in August. I never had the heart to erase it.

"You’re sure no one will come up here?" She whispered when I kissed her cheek. I assured her that the main perk of living in the attic was that no one ever braved the stairs, especially not in the morning. The fact that it was a work night meant everyone would be out of the house by 9 A.M. the next day. We were in the clear.
 She confessed to being nervous, I began to reitterate how unlikely it would be that anyone would know she was here when she stopped me. It was more than just being caught. She hadn’t done "this" since the night we spent housesitting in August. This, meaning whatever was about to happen now that we lay on my bed in our underwear, kissing slowly.
 "Neither have I," I whispered with a grin.
I was so close to asking her to be mine in that moment. To just be my girlfriend. Our friends had already come to begrudgingly accept our rekindling romance, we’d kissed at midnight on New Years and now we were about to sleep together, she had to say yes. Only I chickened out, fearing the rejection I so often recieve from her. We spent the night together, ditching what remained of our clothing, getting tangled in my sheets. I felt like she was mine, but feeling that wasn’t enough.

It took a trip to Miami for me to realize that I needed to take the leap. Just go for it, regardless of the past. I spent 4 days with my cousins sitting in trendy South Beach bars, consuming alchohol and telling stories, recieving texts from Kristina, telling me she missed me. Hanging out with her friends wasn’t the same without me. When I got back to Jersey, I knew what had to be done. After a night spent alone in a candlelit coffee shop discussing everything from failed classes, hopeful futures and murky pasts, I summoned up the courage. Sitting on my bed the way we had so many times before, she became my girlfriend.

I can honestly state that I believe things are different this time. For one neither of us are coming out of relationships, freaking out over high school ending, college beginning or any of the other things that screwed us up before. We came together quietly, without the drama that’s usually associated with us. I sleep at her dorm on the occasional Thursday, she’s home every weekend. At the end of the day, she makes me feel good. That’s all anyone can really ask for.

My 97 Ford Taurus has broken down for the last time. After 3 years I’m now on the hunt for a new car. I thought I’d be a little more sad, letting go of Benji, the name I affectionately call my vehicle. I’m more excited for the new ride, whenever I find one in my price range. I hope it’s red. But if we’re speaking honestly, I’m taking whatever I can get. At 19 it’s no longer acceptable to bum rides from your mom.

It took me a month but I finally wrote my personal statement for Montclair State University. Now I just have to, you know, send it in. I avoided it for as long as I could, rewrote it a dozen times only to erase it all. I want this. More than I’ve wanted anything in a long time and it scares the hell out of me.

I’ll be sending it in this week though. I’m no longer paying attention to fear. From now on, I’m all about taking the leap.