Solitude
I don’t know how to describe how unhappy I am. It feels like a heavy blanket over my shoulders. When I’m at work and in front of kids the blanket feels lighter and I barely notice it, but when I leave it’s there again and it’s heavier when I’m home with Sam. It’s so hard to be alone and that’s all I want to be most days. I miss my solitude and I have to create it now in ways that hurt others.
I already told Sam I did not want to go snowshoeing on Black Friday, but he came to me on Wednesday and said his friends wanted to have lunch with us on Saturday and then other friends wanted to get together on Sunday. I immediately felt defensive of my time and told Sam he had to pick one for me to do because I wasn’t doing both. I know it pissed him off, but I can’t do both. I already know I have to dedicate time on Saturday and Sunday to working and I don’t want to keep whittling away the time I need to be by myself, to tune out.
I care, but I also don’t because I could piss off and disappoint Sam or I could live in a haze of anxiety for two days and I’m already uncomfortable enough that I chose the former. It’s not fair to him, but I’m not like him. It’s not fun for me to see people every day. It’s draining.
It feels like I’m running on a sleep deficit, but it’s more accurate to say I’m running on a solitude deficit. I crashed once in September and I feel like I’m just holding another crash at bay.
Oh gosh, I feel similar to you! I’m on edge with my boyfriend sometimes. We live together, we work the same hours (only difference is he has Fridays off, I work Fridays). I have NO alone time. He doesn’t understand I need ‘me time’. Ideally, I want him out of the house one day on the weekends, several hours at a time. But that starts an argument, saying it’s his house (he’s renting, he says it’s his house cause my name isn’t on the lease). He doesn’t get I need alone time.
Not sure if I can edit my note….but I wanted to say I don’t need alone time every weekend, just once or twice a month. Boyfriend gets 8 hours every Friday to himself. The things I love doing, I can’t do by myself. He wants to come with me or it starts an argument. I feel lost a lot and sad/depressed. I do love him.
I’m glad I’m not the only one that feels this way, but I’m also sorry that you’re having to go through it too. I feel it’s so important to have things to on my own that my bf doesn’t have to be a part of. Even just walking my dog! @serenadeoliver
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