In Neutral

I feel like a car in neutral: running, but not going anywhere on my own accord.

This week felt tense. On Tuesday Sam nearly had a break down and vented to me for over an hour. I didn’t say much because I thought that would be more helpful. I just let him vent, but part of his venting was directed at me. He didn’t get to that part until the end and I still didn’t say anything. He says he’s afraid to talk to me.

He also says he feels stuck in this town and in his job and the solution is SO OBVIOUS to me, but it’s not to him. I love this town, I love that I have a stable job here, and I like the idea of living here for the foreseeable future. Sam would be so much happier living in the mountains, traveling, and not necessarily being stable. Part of the problem I think is that this is the first year he has ever had an “adult” job and he has no idea what he’s doing. Also, he compares himself with his friends and coworkers constantly. He sees them settling down and thinks he should as well, but that is so obviously not what he actually wants.

I keep looking for homes for sale. I can’t afford one right now, but maybe in the next few years? My plan is to get my student loans paid off by next summer and just get those off of my plate so that I can start putting that money away for a down payment on a house. Housing prices are ridiculous here, so I’ll have to find something small or something old, but c’est la vie. As long as it has a yard for Isabell.

After Sam’s venting nothing really got resolved. I talked to my therapist about it a little and she even pointed out how emotional I was getting about everything I brought up to her. I was also talking about San Antonio to her. We talked a lot about being OK with not going out drinking with people I don’t want to associate myself with. I’m generally good at saying no or limiting myself to a couple drinks and lots of water, but I’m not good at dealing with the way I think people view my decisions. I hate being called ‘not fun,’  but I guess I am.

On Friday we had our staff holiday party. I just wanted to go for a half hour, but I ended up staying nearly 2 hours. Not because I was enjoying myself, but because no one would let me leave. Mark asked me about how I liked the trip and I’m honestly so tired of saying it was great, because it wasn’t. It was a huge waste of a school budget.

I canceled plans today. I might go see if I can get into the gym before I spend the rest of the day grading and dicking around.

In more positive news: I made it through a week of mock interviews with my students and even though they caused me anxiety until the very end I AM SO STINKING PROUD OF THEM! I got to read through the notes volunteer interviewers left and I am so excited for them that overall they did so well! 🙂