Dumb feelings

I returned last night from a conference in San Antonio and I’m exhausted. I never want to go again and honestly I hope our new principal next year won’t fund it so that I can have an excuse not to. I’ve tried to find the positives, but the only good thing I have is that I walked away with a packet of interview questions I can share with my class.

I understand that conferences are almost more of a reward and incentive than they are actual professional development, but I don’t feel rewarded. I felt like I was under a microscope the entire time and like I don’t fit in anywhere. I felt pressured to buddy-up and spend time with my department head, Pam, because there is a perception from admin that there is tension in the business department. There was tension, but I have done so much work to alleviate it and then to be told that it’s still there felt like a punch in the gut. It shouldn’t be a job requirement that I am best friends with Pam and I hate feeling like it is. On the flip side, my other coworkers cannot stand Pam and constantly talk about her behind her back. She’s not my favorite person either, but I don’t understand why people have to be mean. And I do like my other coworkers, but then I felt like I had to stay out late with them and I cannot do that either. We were up and out until 2 AM and I hate that. I can’t stay out that late and it’s not fun for me, but again I felt like I was being pulled in two directions and I was doing my very best to keep everyone happy and not hating me.

Not sure how well I did.

Actually, I’m sure I did terribly.

I came back home and pissed off Sam in the first 30 seconds of being there. He wanted to warm up mac and cheese that his friend made and that made literally all of my ED alarms go off in my head. I was traveling and barely moving all day and the last thing I wanted was mac and cheese made by someone else. I left, went to pick up Isabell from my parents’, showered, and then went straight to bed. Now it’s morning and Sam is sitting across from me not saying anything. Fine. I’m trying to process all these dumb feelings from my trip and I don’t even want to touch all my dumb feelings about my relationship that I don’t even want to be in.