Blindsided

I was going to write something on Thursday, but then everything just went to shit.

I had gone out to dinner/drinks with Meghan, Heather, and some of Meghan’s coworkers. Heather went silent after dinner (which, can I just point out is a complete contradiction to what she claims to be all about??) and then they took Russell on a walk and afterwards Meghan came up to me and was like ‘Hey, can I talk to you for a minute? Outside?’ You know when your heart skips a beat out of fear? You know how that fear is suddenly amplified by an unidentifiable guilt for everything you’ve ever done that might be wrong because you have no idea what has prompted any confrontation? Ugh. 

The details of this conversation mostly piss me off. Basically what happened is Meghan told me I had insulted Heather and that I can be standoffish and then she went on to talk about all the shit that went down between me, her, and Hannah. There was a lot of stuff that went unsaid on my part and I think that’s what pisses me off the most. Like, I didn’t make Meghan understand that I have stood up for her against Hannah (who doesn’t really understand that mental illness is not a personal weakness) and I still didn’t tell her about the time I read her letter to Heather revealing that Heather had cheated on her. I think those details would have, in turn, made her feel better and illuminated my own struggles to be friendly towards Heather. Okay, but the insult thing. Jesus christ. I said something about resume writing and meant it just as a comment, but Heather took it as a personal attack. Rather than saying something to me (again, let me point out that she has told me multiple times that she thinks its better to be honest) she just stopped talking. Real fucking mature. See? I’m getting pissed off writing this. I’m not really pissed off any more, but thinking about it sucks. So, this entire thing ended without much resolution except for a hug, an agreement to let Meghan tell me if I say something "standoffish," and an apology to Heather that must have worked better than I thought it had. 

Any guesses what my new least favorite word is? Standoffish. I don’t want to be seen as that! That’s why I felt completely blindsided. And then I felt sick for the rest of the night because a shit ton of old insecurities came flooding back into my brain and I briefly contemplated just never saying anything to anyone ever again. That would solve the problem. I used to just not talk a lot to people because I’ve never been super successful with the whole interaction thing. When I was little I was loud and rude, when I was a young teen I was sad and angry all the time, and now apparently I come off as an asshole. 

There haven’t been any words said about Thursday night since then. The next day Gena moved in and on Saturday Meghan moved out.

When Gena moved in, their friend was replacing the windshield wipers on their van and I left for the bookstore on my bike and when I came back they told me someone had stolen the brand new wipers. UH WHAT. No one has ever stolen anything off our property despite it opening up onto a super busy street. I don’t even lock up my bikes. So now I’m going to go install a little hand towel ring onto a post of the carport so we can anchor the bikes to that. 

New duplex neighbors moved in. I haven’t met them yet, but they met my dog (when Meghan was still here) and yesterday there was a newly adopted Jack Russell outside. Haha! My little girl must have made a positive impression <3

Today I have to finish cleaning the house. Meghan thinks she’s done moving out, but I packed an entire box with her shit. She also still has to haul her table away. 

I’m taking pictures as my room slowly comes together, but let me emphasize: slowly.

I got my hair super short again because I like it like that. I’m just a little nervous about my mom seeing it. She never says anything mean, but she gives me this sad look and says "oh, all your hair…" My mom is coming on Wednesday, hopefully, to take me shopping. I’m going to attempt to not feel guilty about taking her money because I would really like some new clothes.