A bit of an update

Not to toot my own horn, but 2012 is F’in Rocking!! Partly because for once in my life I have TRULY done something for myself. I am living my life and making new friends and letting go of things that have brought me down.

Room-mate situation
After some thoughts and some discussions, I told my co-worker that I don’t mind Roomie talking to her about things. I mean sometimes people need to have outlets or people to vent to, and roomie really doesn’t. I did confront roomie and asked her if there were anythings that were bothering her, something that I had to do better or whatever… she said not really, just that she wants me to do more cleaning in the common area’s. I just said ok.  I mean I have been cleaning in the common area’s just not to her true liking. So I can just move forward and see if I can do better. I know there is some other things she vented to our friend/coworker about, but in reality it wasn’t anything that I can take personal since it doesn’t affect her, she was just commenting on things. (My workschedule, me taking days off in the already this year, and how I spend my money). I have special circumstances at my job, and I am blessed with an understanding boss who works well with me for my FMLA. Roomie’s job would NEVER be that flexible. I always pay our shared bills, and my personal bills, and sometimes I spend more then I should going out with friends, rather then saving all the time — Its my money and I never ask to borrow from my roomie or anyone period, and the reason I have "tight" money problems is because I don’t have the heart to not help out my best friend or family members that have asked to borrow.  Maybe its not ideal, and I don’t do it all the time, but its something I sometimes do when I can help. Sure i don’t have a right to complain if one pay i am a little tighter on funds then I like, but its my money and I can do what I want. I am working towards savings and a lot of changes this year so…
Everyone has a right to have an outlet, and I am ok with roomie having it in a shared friend, but I am not ok if its something that is impacting our living situation and it seems its not. So lets just see.

Dating
So I found out at the end of October (or was it the middle? idk) that Paul got married.  It was the final straw really with him. For many years he held me at arms distance. Making me believe that he and I were meant to be together, making me feel like he was going to leave his situation and move forward with us.. So many things. No joke he went as far as to asking my friends what it would take to get me back, how I really felt about him etc.  Truth be told, Paul was a HUGE force in my life, and many of you OD’ers have read about my nonsense with him, or just know me IRL to know the kinda pull he had on me.  When I heard he got married, I was crushed. It was like being told the one person you thought was meant for you.. or maybe in this case (for me)… It felt like the only person who wanted me was gone.  But then I finally realized… if I was meant to be with him, we would have been together. Obviously there is something better for me out there, and I think I just held onto the fact that paul truly made me feel comfortable in my own skin. Maybe I just felt like he was the only one to ever like the fact that I am plus size.  To this year, I have told Paul to never contact me again. That I need to remove him out of my life, until a day when I can truly just be a friend and not feel anger or remorse or pity for him.  I am done with that dark passenger. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think Paul is an evil man, but I think that I allowed him to take advantage of me for WAY to long, and that is truly my own fault.

I took the end of 2011 to truly knock my head on. I mean come on… Years of just being around trying to date, but always hoping something was going to change — kinda pathetic.  However November and December were huge growing months for me. I started to get my confidence back that I am someone worth having. I started making many new friends, and even experessed interest in some guys. I let myself get out there, and while in some manner it was responded too… It help me realize that i truly do have a lot to offer. So that moves me onto my wonderful news:

I am *kinda* seeing someone. I used the word *kinda* because this person’s situation is not too ideal, atm, for dating. There are a few loose ends around this person and our situation. But I can give you ODer’s some news…
I have known this guy a REALLY long time. He has always been a friend. He was actually there for me irl when Paul hurt me the 2 times we broke up. He came over to my little get together on 12/30/2011 and in that one night, I took charge in my life. See he and I always had this back and forth crush or feelings, but neither really ever acted on it. There were a few times through out the years where he made an advance on me and kissed me, but I always shyed away. He made another attempt this night and I didn’t shy away. But I knew about his situation he is in now, and I backed off.  But after hours of discussion.. I found out that I was not under the right impression. Basically here is what I can say for now:

I really like this guy, and until that night i never knew that I could feel the way I feel. I am not lying when I say this, but when I kiss this guy.. its like everything in the world doesn’t matter just him and I. I have been deeply in love with people, and in the few shared kisses with this guy, it felt like I was mistaken before. I don’t know how to explain it… for real, its CRAZY and if I hadn’t know this guy for the amount of time that I have I would say I was smoking something… but there is truly a deep connection here that I have never experienced before.. its quite scary.
He is amazingly sweet and funny and cute and caring. He has so many good things about him.  
Every single chance he gets, he has made time to see me. He doesn’t hesitate for a second to look me square in the eyes, stare and me and tell me how beautiful and amazing I am, and how much I deserve to be happy in life. 
Its not easy to look someone in the eyes, but with him.. I can just stare into his and just feel warmth. Its such a great feeling.
He is traveling a path in his life that he didn’t expect plan to happen, but it is. While he is on that path, we agreed to hangout and get to really know each other… to see if there is something here for real. If there is, there is things in my life that I will have to look at too.
Honestly, I would *love* to show the whole world this guy, but for now, I am doing what I feel is best and respecting the situation and just seeing where life takes me.  *whoosh*

Thank you to all my friends out there…I know I don’t update often, but I appreciate anyone taking the time to read my non-sense. I <3 you all guys!

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My good Friend is back at it!! If you liked his previous story (I know I did!) El Ray Romero… then check out his Dead Man Walking!

To read his newest ongoing Zombie Story <a href="http://www.opendiary.com/entrylist

.asp?authorcode=D876175″>Dead Man Walking

To read his old Zombie Diary El Ray Romero told in first person style