Trust

Of course he has been trying to talk to me about “us”. Of course he is. How is a single month of a “break” going to fix us? It’s not. I can’t even fully process everything because I put all of the things between us on the back burner because he lost his mom. I mean, I deserve to tell him how I really feel… the validation and all that. But it is true that he’s hurting. It’s been 2 weeks since he lost his mom. She passed the last day he was up North taking care of her.

But trust. That’s been the key to all of this for a long time now. And it’s not whether or not I can trust him never to drink again. No. It’s more…. can I trust that he’s actually sober right now? All the times he said he was sober or had 30 days or whatever, and he wasn’t. So, can I trust his word? Because many time I’ll be texting with him, or I’ll see FB posts, or even behavior over the phone with me, and he’ll swear he was sober but he really didn’t seem like it. So… trust my gut. Idk how to rebuild that. At a long distance, too? Idk. I think it’s just broken at this point. I tried too many times. He blurred too many lines. And sex. He’d ONLY flirt with me if he was high/drunk. And I’d realize it after the fact, and it was just so gross. Such a turn off. So, sexual trust is also gone. And what about all those other little things that he never copped to or admitted or that I have a feeling he lied about. Like, idk if he thinks I just got over it or that he didn’t have to admit anything, but that’s not it. I was ALWAYS waiting for him to just be honest. Building trust, REbuilding trust takes honesty. Apologies are important. What was up with the girl I found in his phone some years ago? Where did my son’s walking stick actually go?

In my mind, WE are nothing. Because he broke every bridge, and every thread, and every bond with lie after lie, and all the emotional manipulation that went into hiding his drinking and his drinking behavior.

I always felt like, maybe I shouldn’t force him to go over all that stuff. For his own sanity and ability to move forward, maybe he shouldn’t. And I really do think he needs to focus on moving forward and staying focused on sobriety. If conversations with me about our past and what he’s done are gonna trip him up? Then by all means, move on and just forget about it. He can come back around when he gets to amends.

I do wish we could stay friends. There are a lot of feelings and caring for one another and each of our children. Idk if HE can do it. Respecting Boundaries is not an alcoholic’s strong suit.

Well. Anyway. Trust, in all areas, is finally broken. And I don’t think it can be repaired at this point. He wasted too much time.

When I ask myself, “Can you see him coming over and staying the night?” The answer is no. When I ask myself, “Can you see saying goodbye to him forever?” The answer is no.

Sigh….