Gullible

I think I just thought I’d eventually get it. Like, all my questioning would lead me to Christ or some shit. I used to keep journals… just me philosophizing. But then I’d go to church with him, no push back on my part. Even sought it out again years later with M. It’s a miracle A didn’t scare it out of me then. With all the bible throwing, and yelling, and intimidation, and just scary odd behavior.

Lord! I didn’t know. I knew nothing then. Red flags? Feelings? A deeper connection?

At least with T it was real? It certainly wasn’t healthy. Well, I finally learned some boundaries. I hope. No, he definitely loves me. It just got warped under all that alcohol.

His mom died a few days ago. I still called right away. We still said “I love you”. What else do you say in those situations? Our break up, in his mind, isn’t permanent. I can see that now. And this isn’t the same as when someone cheats on you, or outright abuses you. Because he’s just sick and needs help. And I hope he gets it. But it can’t be with me. Every time he slips up it rocks our relationship, because of who he becomes when he drinks, and because of the things he says and does while drunk.

Every last thread has broken for me. But I can still have love for him in my heart. If he truly works recovery, he’ll understand.

As for me, my fucking feet and now my knee? Keeping me from working out better. And now, two jobs? Sigh… I feel like the next couple of years will just be me in the shadows, doing the work.