Apologies

I keep waiting for apologies that will never come. I realize that an addict’s mind is just… well it just doesn’t remember things right. He doesn’t even understand what I’m so upset about. I don’t even think he remembers the conversation we had about breaking up. So I’m just… ignoring him, because I don’t know what to say. And I really, really do not want to sit and have a conversation about shit he just won’t understand anyway. It’s just a waste of my time! And of my emotions.

What I’d really like is some acknowledgement of what he’s done. This is me, finally realizing that what I need is not what he is capable of. And where he is is not where I need him to be if we’re actually going to buy a home and live together or get married. He just fucked it all up, again. Eight years of this shit! Off and on, sober then not, and I’m just… I’m tired. I feel like I wasted my time and waited around for nothing.

I get that he’s in pain. Mom is sick and dying, but jfc dude, don’t go fucking up your mama’s last days by falling off the wagon AGAIN! I mean, ease her mind and her spirit… let her know you’re gonna be okay. What a shitty way to have to say goodbye to her son. I’m so sorry…. I thought he could change. A part of me holds out hope for him. But not for us. I just can’t deal with it anymore. I deserve so much more than this. Who knows what the future holds for me, but it most certainly won’t be with him.