The fear is overwhelming

the fear is overwhelming, I cant even explain it.  Its more then just a panic attack, I would rather die then to think I’d go through that pain again.  I know how pathetic and immature i look. I hate it , everything inside of me hates it but gahh I cant help but feel so fucking scared.  Its like being afraid of something that scares the shit out of you.  Naturally you would run from it.  the kind of scared that you dont even want to be brave for, the kind that makes you scream…or cry.   its all so stupid, but i guess im a bit traumatized.

being left, having someone you intertwined your life with . the only person your comfortable with.  everyday that person is there. you just know each other.

im the kind of person who only gives one person that romance love.  If you get into my heart like really get in there…your my best friend.  thats something that is hard to get to with me.  Ive had a lot of betrayal and abandonment my whole life so its hard to know who is real.

basically im just saying a long time ago I was left , chosen over for a beautiful girl who was suppose to be my friend.  it was a long endless mindfuck with me the whole time.  it was absolutely horrible and to lose my husband to that girl just fucking destroyed me

fast forward years later. I have jeremy and idk if Ill ever write more journals but maybe if I do whoever reads along will maybe understand me and this journal entry and how all over the place i am ..maybe it will make sense..idk.

jeremy…is the only person to get me where i was with my now ex husband.  its been a long time.  and well some situations occurred that honestly any normal person  would think i was just immature and absolutely ridiculous and nobody would feel bad for me.  NOBODY. even i know this.  but I cant stop that fear.  I dont want to tell this stupid story cause its embarrassing .  I got scared though. and this tiny fragment of a situation im blowing up in my mind with possibilities and what if’s.  Something he cant control but life is fucked up and things happen. and being hurt like that is just horrible and undeserved.  Im making myself believe that it will happen again.  I can almost see it.  I want to know ahead of time.  I want to make sure it wont happen.  Im going crazy inside and im in fear of feeling that again.

like I said Id rather die then go through that again

—-a.h