Lost, Depressed and Sad

I’m sitting alone at the head of the dining table in the ground floor of my cousin’s house. My tablet in hand as I roam the internet for jobs or other legal means of making the one thing that supposedly makes the world to round, money.

I’ve got a weird low paying job, hence the need to search for others, and it sucks. Why does it suck? Because I am competing with thousands of people trying to get first dibs on whatever piece of work we can get. I won’t even bother explaining what we do but it’s straining and the pay is crap. I’ve been up all night waiting for work and when it finally appears, it has a flaw and I have to release it for someone else who can handle. I only have 5 releases and I’ve used em all up. An unlucky night for me. To make things even worse, I’m stuck with work that’s supposed to take 6hrs to finish but guess what? It has major flaws and I can’t do anything about it but wait for it to expire on its own. When it expires it’ll be daytime and that’s no pretty much bum time in this line of work.

It should’ve been better. I should’ve been better. I screwed up. It’s nobody’s fault. It’s all mine. I was gonna graduate with a degree in Offshore and Maritime engineering , get my certifications, board the first ship I could find and set sail but that’s not happening. I flunked in my second year and my parents don’t know about it. My college is 8hrs away and they’d never drive up there so it was perfect cover. I should’ve been graduating this year but I am not and although I shouldn’t be thankful, that’s exactly what I am, thankful. I’m thankful for the Coronavirus for giving me more time to figure out what to do. It’s that dark, I don’t know. I’m sorry for those who have lost a loved one or loved ones to the virus. It hurts, I know but sometimes battles do interfere with each other and each party wishes different things to happen.

My family is gonna freak out when they find out what has happened and the secrets I’ve kept all these years.

I strayed out of my path and got lost. Now finding my way back proves difficult. I don’t even think there’s a way back.

I’m lost. Condemned to roam forever. My safe place is in my head.

Everyone thinks everything is fine but it’s not. Everyone thinks everything is okay, but it’s not.

I am not okay. I am not fine. But they don’t know that. I smile and hide the truth. I’ve perfected the lie over the years.

The tears are forming around my eyes but I’m still able to smile. Smile at my stupidity and foolishness. No one to blame but me.

And now I rise to go bed as I end this talk of depression. Maybe I’ll have something good to smile about later, maybe not. Nobody knows.

I’m still lost tho and I think this time no one would find me.

Goodnight, Diary.