February 14, 2012

Two Weeks

*As a note, this was written over the course Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday*

This was on my mind a lot yesterday (Sunday), though I wanted a little distance before writing about it. Yesterday was two weeks since my mom called to tell me my grandmother had passed away. It was actually harder to deal with yesterday than it was to deal with my grandmother’s birthday on Thursday. I suspect I’ll automatically mark the time on Sundays for awhile yet. In the meantime, it is getting easier to separate the feelings of loss from the good memories I have of her. I’ll always miss her dearly though.

This grieving process for me is in large part uncharted territory. I’d dealt with it some when pets have died over the years, but even that’s been few and far between (the most recent being Maxie just over a year ago). I had previously thought the grieving process, plus my ADD, plus law school could throw me for one serious loop (hence the counseling paid for by my old insurance and the current counseling through the university). Overall, I’ve come too far to get sidetracked now. But for whatever reason, it’s not been as hard as I’d expected.

That first week was really hard. That Sunday was difficult, but on the whole Monday, Tuesday, and the majority of Wednesday were harder than a normal day and I was most definitely more distracted than usual. The visitation Wednesday night was hard to get through without bawling but I did. I couldn’t bring myself to go right up to the casket, though I did look from across the room. I knew if I went right up to the casket, I’d totally and completely lose it. My dad’s best friends from high school were there. One of them – Jeff – I hadn’t seen in my memory. The other – Dave – I see every 5 or 6 years when he and my dad get together (he lives down in Mississippi). Dave’s mother still lives in this area and he was up visiting her at Christmastime. My parents, Jason, and I stopped by to see Dave’s mom and saw him as well on Christmas Eve prior to visiting my grandmother. I’m not sure who told Dave that my grandmother had passed away, but it wasn’t my dad. My dad didn’t tell him as he’d just been up here and didn’t want to make him drive 12+ hours just for this. In the end, Dave found out either late Tuesday night or really early Wednesday morning. Either way, he drove all day Wednesday and made it in time for the visitation and stayed for the funeral Thursday. I know it meant a lot to my dad to have him there. It’s hard for me to imagine, but the three of them (my dad, Jeff, and Dave) have been friends since high school. To put it in perspective, my dad is 51. There were a lot of people at the visitation and it was nice to see family members. My uncle who lives in Arkansas was up by then and it was nice to see him, despite the reason. Though the visitation ended at 7:30, it was after 8 when I left the funeral home and after 9 by the time I got back to my apartment.

To sidetrack for a minute, my dad and his siblings elected to tell my grandfather that my grandmother had passed away. So my dad and three of his siblings (the fourth lives in Arkansas) drove down on Sunday to tell him and it was hard, as you can imagine. By Wednesday afternoon, when my Aunt Nancy and Uncle John (who lives in Arkansas) drove down to visit him, my grandfather didn’t remember that my grandmother had passed away.

As expected, Thursday was so hard. Funeral was to start at 11 and my dad suggested arriving at the church by 10:30. Thanks to the fog and freezing fog Thursday morning, I left considerably earlier than planned and arrived by about 10 after 10. My Aunt Nancy gave me the reading I would read and my cousins and I met with the priest to get our cues. I had the second reading and it was from Corinthians (I’ll post it later). As my dad mentioned when they closed the casket, closing the casket is so final. I finally lost the battle with my tears when it was time to line up behind the casket. I cried through much of the 1 hour Catholic funeral mass (though I later learned it was simplified). I had the second reading (early on in the service) and though it was a monumental struggle, I managed not to lose it while reading. As the service ended, I was no longer the only extended family member in tears. However, while waiting in the foyer between the service and the graveside service, I completely and totally lost it in my dad’s arms. The graveside service a little while later was just as hard. It was so…final.

After the graveside service was the luncheon at the funeral home that’s part of the cemetery (different funeral home from where the visitation was held). It wasn’t easy but it wasn’t as hard as the rest of the day had been. I got a chance to talk to my parents and some of my aunts and uncles. I should mention that my grandfather was not present for the visitation on Wednesday and all of the services on Thursday. It was determined that given his recent bout with pneumonia, it wouldn’t be a good idea for him to be out in the cold or exposed to all the people and the possibility of more germs. In addition, he just wasn’t strong enough (mentally or physically).

I got through the services on the 2nd by continually reminding myself I’ll see my grandmother again one day. I also know that she’ll accept the gospel on the other side. That’s just the kind of person she was. Before this, I’d always believed in the Plan of Salvation but it was more in an intellectual sense. I’ve realized that I KNOW the Plan of Salvation is true. I’ve always heard people talk about what a comfort the gospel is and I’ve always believed that’s true. But now I KNOW it’s true.

This last Sunday during Sacrament meeting one of the things mentioned was enduring to the end. It got me thinking about my grandmother once more as I realized she was an amazing example of doing just that. Over this final bout these last 4 1/2 years, I never once heard her complain or bemoan what was happening. She was so matter of fact about her impending death. The word that keeps coming to mind is grace. From what I saw over the 26+ years I knew her and from what the family has said, my grandmother dealt with her whole cancer battle that way. I can only hope that I can endure to the end as she did.

Below is a slideshow of some pictures of my grandmother over the years.

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

how to help the national breast cancer foundation.