REALLY irritated

I’ve posted a few entries from September 2007, as I’ve acquired a few new readers since then.  The entries (and more) are here on OD, if anyone’s interested enough to head into my 2007 Chapter.

This was my entry from September 3, 2007:
"As I sit here trying to come up with a title for this entry, I have tears in my eyes.  I woke up this morning about 9:15.  I was just laying in bed when my mom came up the stairs and told my dad (who was across the hall in the den on his computer) that his sister had called.  Now when there’s not a family event going on or being planned (which there currently isn’t), it’s not usually a good thing for my aunt to call.  She tends to be the one to break bad news to my dad and by extension to the rest of my immediate family.  I’ve learned over the years that it’s definitely not a good thing for my aunt to call and not leave a message if my dad’s not around.  Apparently my grandmother is in the hospital and it’s not too good.  She’s had cancer three times – twice it was breast cancer.  They’re not sure what kind this go-round except to say there is fluid on her lungs and they’re dealing with it.  The doctors have been paying close attention to her kidneys in the last few months and apparently in the last few weeks they decided to put her on a restricted diet to deal with it.  Apparently it is kidney disease but they expected to be able to control it with a restricted diet. 

Last night she was having trouble breathing and is now in the hospital.  They’ve done some tests and her kidney problems are worse than either she decided to share or simply worse than the doctors knew.  There’s also a spot on her liver.  That’s likely not good, not good at all. 

My parents went down to the hospital, but I decided to stay here.  It’s easily a two hour drive to the hospital, one way.  My parents left the house just before 10 am and they wont be back til 5ish.  Please, keep my family in your prayers."

This entry was from September 5, 2007:
"I wanted to give an update on my grandmother.  It’s not anything new, but it’s something I didn’t post on Monday because it didn’t occur to me.  I talked to my mom yesterday about my grandmother.  Apparently (and this was news to me, but shouldn’t have been) my grandmother was still having some breathing issues yesterday.  She’ll be in the hospital at least as long as it takes to get those issues under control.  Aside from that, the last time we talked to my aunt the doctors didn’t know anything new.  They still don’t know what they’re going to do about any of it.  But I really feel some peace over it all, knowing that even if she does pass away, I’ll see her again.  And I also know that I can give my grief, my pain, and my sorrow to the Savior, for he has borne all of it for me already.  I don’t have to suffer that as well.  As late as Monday night, I had mostly gotten over the constant urge to cry.  I still want to cry if I actually think about her passing away, but I’ve felt that way for several years now.  I don’t, however, want to cry simply over her being in the hospital.  While crying can be healthy and very good, for me at the moment it’s more an indicator of my mental health and stability.  I’m feeling rather emotionally stable at the moment.  I need to be more stable, because should the worst happen with regards to my grandmother, it will make things that much harder for me (and those around me as well, I would imagine). "

This entry was from September 7, 2007:
"My grandmother has breast cancer again…and it’s everywhere.  I’m not sure there’s really anything else to say. "

I wrote this on September 8, 2007:
"I had hoped to write this entry when I got home last night, but I just couldn’t deal with it.  I was a mess after I got home last night.  After yesterday, I pretty much know the whole story of the last week and most of my grandmother’s 29 year battle with breast cancer.  Yes, that’s 29 years – she was first diagnosed in the fall of 1978.  It’s a miracle she survived, as that was when medicine had little knowledge about cancer.  She had breast cancer again in 1991/1992.  I saw her the summer of 1992 when we went to Hawaii and I didn’t notice anything different about grandma, but I was all of 7 at the time.  I learned last night that we came close to losing her the winter of 1991-1992.  But they dealt with the cancer and she didn’t have anymore problems until they found it almost by accident just over two years ago.  Just over two years ago, her oncologist retired and she obviously got a new one.  Since she was a new patient, he wanted to get a chest x-ray to see where she was at, since she hadn’t been his patient before.  He never expected to find anything, but find something he did.  They found fluid on her lungs, which for my grandmother meant cancer.  They’ve managed to keep it at bay, but not anymore.  In the last months, they’ve been keeping an eye on her kidneys and just before my cousin’s wedding they decided to change my grandmother’s diet as a way to deal with the kidney problems.  They thought they could control it with diet. 
 

Last Sunday afternoon, my grandmother started coughing almost non-stop, to the point where she couldn’t get a breath in.  My grandfather obviously was worried, but my grandmother said they’d just wait to call the doctor on Tuesday (with Monday being a holiday).  My grandfather wasn’t wild about that idea, so he called a close neighbor friend he thought my grandmother would listen to.  She told my grandmother to get to the hospital but my grandmother has a stubborn streak a mile wide.  So then my grandfather calls his youngest daughter (who’s now been nicknamed "Dr. Nancy") and she comes over.  She looks at my grandmother and tells her they’re calling the doctor and they’d do whatever he said.  If he said she didn’t need to go, then my aunt wouldn’t bug her about it, but if he said to get to the hospital, they were going whether my grandmother liked it or not.  My aunt then calls the doctor, tells him the symptoms and the doctor asks why they aren’t already at the hospital.  My aunt told him that she needed someone to tell my grandmother that who had the nice initials at the end of their name.  My aunt, uncle, and grandfather have all said that if my grandmother had waited until Tuesday to see the doctor, we probably would not still have her with us. 
 

They went to the ER, got her on oxygen, started to get her breathing issues settled and decided to keep her overnight for observation.  While they had her overnight, they decided to do the outpatient kidney test they had scheduled her for in the next few weeks.  It was during that test that they discovered the problems.  By Monday morning, they knew she was also having se

rious kidney issues and there were lesions on her liver.  They did a lot of heart tests as well, since that’s so connected to the lungs.  Until yesterday, they thought her heart was fine.  However, they’ve since discovered fluid around her heart.  The fluid that was on her lungs is now spreading everywhere.  It’s now also in her abdominal cavity, where it’s beginning to adhere to the abdominal wall.  They did a biopsy on her liver yesterday to see what exactly they’re dealing with, but the doctor is almost sure it’s breast cancer again.  They had hoped my grandmother would get out of the hospital yesterday, but when we arrived at the hospital, the doctor had just been by and had told my grandmother and aunt (who was at the hospital as well) that my grandmother was staying the weekend, minimum.  He wouldn’t say though how long after that.  She will definitely be going home on oxygen when she goes home.  The doctors should know more on Monday in terms of prognosis and what precisely they’re dealing with.  They are going to put her on oral chemotherapy, but they’re really not sure how well it’s going to work, with things as advanced as they are.  Right now, the cancer cells are everywhere, but they haven’t started to affect the workings of most of her organs.  They’ve started to affect the kidneys though.  How fast she goes will be largely determined by which organs start to fail next.  Right now, my aunt’s guess is that she won’t live to see my cousin’s baby be born in April. 
 

I think the saddest part about all of this is that while my grandmother is well aware that this is it, my grandfather isn’t.  His memory is going and that’s worrisome enough (as he’s a diabetic and isn’t good about remembering to take his blood sugar, take his insulin, or even eat), but it was clear last night at the hospital (we picked him up, then dropped him off at home and made sure he ate dinner) that he doesn’t yet understand that this is it for my grandmother.  From this point on, one or both of my parents is going to make the 3 hour round trip every weekend and my mom may even make it during the week if need be.  It looks like that’s going to be a routine part of life from now on, both before my grandmother passes away and after as well, since my grandfather can’t handle living completely on his own.  Between three of their kids (and their kids’ spouses), they’re going to take care of my grandparents.  I’m going to go down with my parents to see them as often as I can, but I know it won’t always be possible.  To say that it’s going to be rough around here would be an understatement.  "
 

That was two years ago this week.  Last year at this time, we threw my grandmother a party celebrating the year.  We’re throwing her a party again this year.  A party I’m not going to be able to attend.  The party’s on Sunday at 1.  Church is over at one and even if I leave right away, I’m not down there til at LEAST 2:15.  It’s not going to be a long thing.  I can’t get someone to take over my class – it’s practice week for the Primary Program.  I can’t subject someone to that with my class – a class that would love to be anywhere but in the primary program.  Seriously, this can’t be done on Saturday? It was going to be on Saturday initially, and then my aunt started talking to other extended family (family that is on tenous terms with my grandparents as it is) and voila! It’s now on Sunday.  GRRRR!

As a further update from those entries two years ago…until a few weeks ago my grandfather’s memory was mostly stable.  It’s seriously gone downhill in the last few weeks however.  My grandmother has a heart test next week to see how strong her heart is. She’s about to start chemo again and she’ll have to have a strong heart to be on the new chemo.

The other thing about today was that I came home to another "accident" from Maxie in the house.  *Sigh* I’m really getting tired of the accidents in the house.  I’ll be surprised if she makes it through this winter.

"Life is measured not by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."