It’s Been Awhile

It’s been quite awhile since I wrote in here.  I realize now that I’ve let a lot of things in my life slip recently.  It’s likely a large part of why I feel so out of sorts and like such a failure at the moment.  I think I stopped trusting in the Lord, or maybe I fell victim to pride. Either way, it’s time for that to change.  I’ve gotten into law school and have found an apartment for the fall.  As a result, I’m going to have to go back on meds.  My dad said something to me that really brought home that I’m going to be on meds for the rest of my life for my ADD.  I don’t like that fact, not at all.  But a part of me knows that I’m better off with them than without them.  I never wanted to be one of those people on meds everyday for the rest of their life – not that there’s anything wrong with that.  But it’s a jolt and something you have to come to terms with on your own.  For me, it makes me feel like a failure – that I can’t handle it on my own.  I don’t want to be on meds for the rest of my life. I think that’s the real reason I went off meds when I graduated college.  I thought I could do without them. And I have been, mostly. But every time my parents remind me of something they think I need to be doing, it makes me feel like that much more of a failure.  Even though I got into law school, I still spend days feeling like a failure and like I can’t do anything right.  Even the smallest things can make me feel that way.  I know that’s a problem with ADD, but I can’t seem to help it.  Perhaps medication will help there too.  So this week I’m going to look for a new pdoc.

In other news, my car will be paid off at the end of this week.  Yay for that.  No more car payments.  I’ve got stuff that needs doing this week.  I need to call the leasing office at my apartment as my dad (and by extension I) have some questions about the lease before I sign it.  It’s a nice apartment complex close to the university. On nice days I can walk and during the winter the bus picks up on the other side of my building and drops off right at the student center. The law school building is right across the street from the student center.   Thanks to a special the complex is having, I can afford the two bedroom apartment on the financial aid budget and my apartment will be unfurnished.  I can move in as early as the 23rd of July, but I’ll likely move in on the 31st.  Orientation is the 9th of August and the first day of classes is the 16th.  I’m ready to be on my own and not have my parents over my shoulder at every turn.  Apartment pics here.

In terms of things to do this week, I need to find a new pdoc,go to the bank, call the leasing office at the apartment complex, get used to working an extra week than I intended.  My parents mentioned working through the week after Memorial Day in order to get health insurance through June without resorting to COBRA.  I’m beyond ready to be done at work.  I’m tired to listening to all the stories I hear and I’m tired of feeling stupid every time I call my lead worker with a question.

I need to start being better about my prayers and reading my scriptures. I’ve gotten lax about keeping the Lord in my life and that’s got to stop.  I was reading through my journal and remembering how much more…centered…I was when I kept the Lord in my life.  Even during last fall when things were so up in the air with work and then transferring into Borrower Services. Things are no less crazy and in upheaval now and yet I’ve not been as good about keeping the Lord in my life.  I’m remembering that things are easier (and my ADD less of a problem) when I keep the Lord in my life.  And given that it’s been awhile since I did it, I also need to re-read my Patriarchal blessing. 

What else is new since I last wrote?  My brothers and Christina came home for Spring Break. It was crazy but good to have them here, especially Christina. I really like her.  Cornell and Wisconsin also played one another in the NCAA basketball tournament and it wasn’t pretty.  And much to my chagrin, my brothers were home fro the match up.  I also started my piano lessons. I have my third one this week.  They’re actually going pretty good thus far. I really like my teacher, which of course makes me a little sad I’ll be leaving late this summer.  I’ve been reconnecting with a friend from high school.  We went to different high schools but in the same ward 🙂  She recently moved back here from the Milwaukee area and so we’ve been to dinner a few times and out to a few movies (Valentine’s Day & The Last Song).

"Life is measured not by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."