What I learnt from Telly 2.0

If you spill lucozade on a lexus the best thing to do is to drive around at high speed, it will make a noise like a choir and turn into ribena. Most people would just clean it off with a moist cloth but hey.

Lewis Hamilton is so good at racing because his car floats above the ground, and the wheels spin just for effect.

Buying a Kia Cee’d will cause you to become a minicab driver and get married to your first fare, the car will then be found in an abandoned barn and someone in a gimp suit will pick hairs out of the steering wheel while the choir from the lexus advert hums in the background.

The designers of the Mercedes C-class do not in fact speak german, they speak really really prosaic but pretentious english. The new C-class is also supposed to be patterned after a load of fish. and a loo being flushed.

Honda build lots of engines, but their vehicles including speedboats and lawn mowers can only travel in sloooooow Moooooooootioooooooon, with moody filtered green and blue lighting. which probably explains their F1 standings too. They have also built a robot that breaks into museums and just wanders around instead of stealing stuff.

Sky News is Rubbish.

ITV news is even worse.

Gamers on the idents at Xleague TV look “hip” cool & “trendy”. Gamers in the Match of the day on Xleague TV look “unemployed” ill & “have scurvy”. Emily Booth is actually the one member of the production/presentation team that knows what she is talking about.
Emily: “That was Wiked stylings when you fragged his arse with the dual weild plasma guns! Headshot dude!!! KUDOS!!! you just pWned his Arse!!”
Other presenter: “yeah, er. you won, you used that glowing blue thing? is that like sonic the hedghog?”

The Average IQ of a Big Brother contestant is around 60 points.

IF you buy a Suzuki Sx4 when you park it in your driveway, Exactly one half of it will be polished clean, The other half will be caked in mud guts and gore. You will also be wearing one white high heel and one walking boot.

If you join the Orange mobile network, you will suddenly spout rubbish poetry.

If you join the T-mobile network you will move to australia and jump off tall buildings, alternatively, you will listen to indie music and lots of arrows will float around you in your layered shorts combination and girly hair.

If you join the O2 mobile network, you will be chased around london by giant bubbles that warp reality & sound like a Napoleonic soldier from sheffield.

If you join the Virgin-Mobile network, Uma Thurman and Ruby wax will alternatively shout at you until you cry.

Tesco’s are mainly white rooms with one object at a time sat in acres of white space. that make “ting!” sounds.

Toilet bowl germs sound like Boycie from only fools and horses.

If you watch TV during the day time you have massive debts, need a new mortgage and cheap car insurance, However you also want to drive away in a brand new car and should get a new credit card.

Between them Sophie Aldred (Ace from the Seventh Doctor) and Mark Heap (SPACED – Greenwing et al) have a iron vice like grip over all the voice over jobs on UK telly.

22 men from New Zealand slapping their thighs will sell IVECO articulated trucks.

You can only eat seabrook crisps if you have a northern accent, talking of which, the actual packets are filled with hundreds of crisps, but weigh about 5grams in total, you would need to eat about 50 packets to get the same effect as any other crisp brand. Blah indeed.

If you drink Irn Bru, you will jump into a hearse and goto blackpool.

Hedghogs and canaries require mortgages to live in tree stumps and bird boxes.

Penguins like to wear pink and drink Rose wine, while listening to improv 1970’s easy listening jazz. In slow motion.