eurovision – USA!

Oddly enough there is actually an american entry into this years Eurovision Song Contest. Oscar Loya and Dita Von Teese will be representing the United States with “Miss Kiss Kiss Bang”.

Oscar hails from Indio, California, Dita; Rochester, MI. Their performance on Saturday will be big band inspired swing number much like the Agent provoceteur advert that Kylie minogue starred in a number of years ago. Expect cheeky massive show stealing spectacle.

Oscar and Dita will be hoping to recreate the success that other american acts have had in the Eurovision for instance Katrina and the waves (“Walkin’ on Sunshine – 1985”), who won in 1997 with “Love shine a light”

However, The USA will not have it all their own way as Ukraines’ entry Svetlana Loboda, recently of supergroup VIA.gra will attempt to annihilate her competitors with a performance that includes her trying to mate with herself in a hamster ball, grease-covered-nipple-grabbing-bare-chested-soliders, a drum solo and an attempt on the world record for the number of straps and buckles on a pair of boots x2.

Classy burlesque Vs. Hydrogen bomb burlesque

Eurovision Semifinal 2

The Second semi final is on today, and it promises to be even better then the first. With competition favorites such as Norway, who i still don’t Get, Greece, who attempts to out hadise, hadise! with a giant illuminated stapler, a Classical crossover group, Boyzone AND westlife on stage AT THE SAME time, and an irish grrrl band. 19 enter, only 10 remain. …. .

Croatia
“Lijepa tena”
Spanish Guitar Ballad – ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ, zzzzzzz, zzz, zzzzzzzzzz, zz,zzzzzzzz, z, zz, zz, zzzzzz, zzzzzz, *snort* ZZZZZZZZ, zzzzzzzzzz, zzz, Z, ZZZZzzzzZZ, zzzzzzz, erm, one of the backing dancers is the spitting image of poppersniffer/wildchief on here.
Gimmick – White-black-white-black colour changing – possible costume change

Ireland
“Etcetera”
Pop – Irish Grrrl group Black daisy get an air hostess for a lead singer and proceed to belt out a grrrly pop entry with plenty of grrrl cliches. Spot the trilby, the stripy tights, the “I look like Pink” one, the “I’m NOT avril” one, the actually quite nice tattoo’s. And the “quite alright actually” song its wrapped in. Lead singer suggests that she wants to be Sophie-Ellis Bextor in later life. Sounds like a MacFly cover.
Gimmick – Letters, Grrrrlness

Latvia
“Probka”
Rant – A man in a beanie hat sings about traffic jams and a girl that he sees dancing on top of car roofs. Moots jumping on moving cars as a valid form of commuting. backing singers wave arms in air a lot. Mercedes and Volvo get impromptu product placement.
Gimmick – traffic lights, cones, RTA

Serbia
“Ciepla”
Folk Pop – 1. Look at the hair. 2. HAIR! 3. is that real? hair? followed by a voice that causes earthquakes in china and/or communicates with humpback whales. And look it’s a song about shoes and money. *shrugs*
Gimmick – Hair, Accordian, Shoe

Poland
“I Don’t Wanna Leave”
Ballad – Mariah carey style ballad where the overhead camera tries to dive into singers cleavage. Has an overtly British singing style, R-Kelly’s “I can fly” comes to mind
Gimmick – Wind machine, Gospel Choir

Norway
“Fairy Tail”
Pop – Bloke called alex gins inanely while prancing around stage. apparantly will win, I fail to see how. he has too many teeth.
Gimmick – A brace of flailing Violins

Cyprus
“Firefly”
Pop – innocuous group pop-pap with lead female singer who appears to be 12. instantly forgettable and a bit pointless. shame as the island entries, Malta e.g. punch well above their weight. This one goes down like Ricky Hatton.
Gimmick – sounding like a choir, candles

Slovakia
“Let tmou”
Ballad – Duet
Gimmick – Piano’s, Picture frames

Denmark
“Believe Again”
Irish Pop – Basically its Ronan Keating. he may well be on stage during this one as a backing singer or playing on a nintendo DS, but if not he will be singing, and writing and probably playing all of the rest of the instruments. Stroke of genius really from the Danish confederation. Expect this to score highly.
Gimmick – Boyzone – Westlife – Ronan

Slovenia
“Love Symphony”
Classical Crossover – Take one string quartet. Take one talented singer and mesh them together in a explosion of chiffon, silk and bow ties! what do you get? A mess. or Quartissimo! Think eScala! bond! Vanessa Mae!
Gimmick – Roller blinds, minimal lyrics, strapped in

Hungary
“Dance with me”
Pop! – Basically they are going for a male version of Kylie singing a song that is a mish mash combination of Kylies’ entire back catalogue.
Gimmick – 80’s & 90’s dance moves

Azerbaijan
“Always”
Power Pop – Turko-greco Power duet Super group! Arash is actually Swedish and Iranian and provides the drive and backbone for this “supergroup” pairing. nice rythms put it up against Greece, Spain, Armenia and Turkey. Aysel provides good vocals in a very polished overall package.
Gimmick – Ribbons.

Greece
“This is our night”
Power Pop – Sakis is back! looking more and more like an ageing tennis player, the Greek cliff-richard-alike powerhouse empties his lungs out and jumps as high as he can with his fist in the air! A Lot. Actually is better then Turkey, and is up for battle with Spain, assuming he can qualify. Just in case the song isn’t strong enough, Greece have blown the budget on a case full of pyro’s and more gimmicks then you can shake two large sticks at. Lots of hip thrusting.
Gimmick – Ski boots, Giant stapler

Lithuania
“Love”
Ballad – Sasha Son and his trilby hat get some piano action on while his curly hair looks shiny. Barbershop quartet harmonies muscle their way in too. expect some oooh’s. Fop.
Gimmick – Trilby

Moldova
“Hora Din Moldova”
Folk – The Moldolvan tourist board have sent a bunch of rock hippies to sing about how great Moldova is. thanks.
Gimmick – Furry hats, Zorba dancing, ukelele

Albania
“Carry Me in Your dreams”
Dance Pop – Zippy violins underline this euro style dance groove, suprisingly strong voice from Kejsi Tola, who appears to be a tweenie who sings opera. but doesn’t in the entry.
Gimmick – Feathers

Ukraine
“Anti-Crisis Girl”</b>
Mentalism – Svetlana Lobodna comes out swinging! coming from the super group VIA.gra she is used to wobbling her ladybits at all and sundry dressed in little more then rubber and baby oil. (think pussycatdolls + girls aloud + peter stringfellow) Having dominated the Eastern european charts for the past 5 years, Svetlana and her cadre of greasy(literally) minions throb and writhe around wearing hats and boots. Maximum attack? Musical Burlesque Blitzkrieg more like. This entry comes from the smash-you-in-the-face-steal-your-wallet-stick-tongue-down-your-throat-skins-party-freshers-week school of thought. If someone doesn’t stop her, Miley Cyrus is going to end up like this.
Bettyboo & Wig wam, Alex Guadino’s Destination Unnknown, Gwen stefani, Freaks – the creeps(get on the dance floor), Aqua, Shakira, James bond and Hamsters. Oh my!
Gimmick – Hamster Wheel, drum solo, everything

Estonia
“Randaja”
Classical Crossover – Another act oweing much to bond, eScala et al, Mike batt and his wombles must be spinning away merrily in the background. This entry has much more symphonic mildly gothic undertones with great lilting haunting vocals from Urban Symphonys’ lead singer who looks like Emily Strange made flesh, is able to play the violin too. Very shiny hair but a static performance
Gimmick – eyes that stare into your very soul, Fringe

Netherlands
“Shine”
Pop – The dutch send 3 old men to do the work of the young ‘uns and do they give it some voltage. Quite literally. They attempt to light up the stage in a blaze of glory and almost a faint whiff of desperation. The LED torches that worked so well last year make a welcome if overwrought return, considering Armenia are now equipped with head lasers. Three silver eye-lashed grannies back up this trio of old geezers. If Lionel Blair, Brucie and Micheal Winner ever entered the contest, THIS is what they would look like.
Gimmick – Batteries.

          

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