The One with a Hockey Rant

 I really hate when people who do not watch hockey at all, call me out as being a fair weather fan or worse yet a bandwagoner. Let’s get something straight: I am neither. I have been loyal to my team through the best (back to back Stanley Cups in the 90’s) and through the best (a few years in the league cellar; how do you think we drafted players like Crosby & Malkin (don’t mention Fleury because he is not playing at an NHL level)). They are down 3-0 in the conference finals. I am not going to jump on the cheerleading team and shout Pens in 7 from the roof tops. Can they do it? Yes, they are more than capable of doing it. Will they do it? Not if they play just one minute of a game with the team that showed up in games one and two. Sorry, it just won’t happen. It’s not bandwagonning, or fair weatherism, it is realism. The players themselves would tell you the same thing. The team that showed up on home ice in games one and two deserved to lose and really had no business even being in the conference finals. Game three last night? Great game, shitty ending for the Pens, but really great game. If they could have gotten a goal on the power play against a team that had four players, one with a broken leg, different story, different series. If just one of the goals that rang off the post, one of five, is half an inch to the left, game over, we win. That was no doubt the best game of the series. It is what people expected from these two teams. But in the end it wasn’t enough for the Penguins.

I hate overtime. I have always hated it and I will always hate it. I hate it even more in the playoffs because it is not over after five minutes. They play a full 20 minute period with zero t.v. timeouts, and usually zero timeouts at all. There are very few penalties called, you basically have to murder someone to get called for a penalty, and first goal wins. And if you can’t do it in twenty, you get eighteen minutes to think about it, and go for another twenty. And so on and so on. Overtime makes me nauseous, it makes me all clammy and gross feeling. And when it is game three and your team has not one a game, well then it makes me want to pound alcohol and crawl under a rock for three months.

I am the one hockey fan who hates the playoffs. I am okay with that. I much prefer regular season where if you mess up one game, you are not automatically doomed. Playoff hockey is not fun for me. The only thing I like to see is the handshake line and only when my team advances. I like to see the raising of the Cup, but again, not if my team is in the corner all down and depressed and on the verge of jumping off a bridge.

And please, never tell me that you don’t watch hockey but your favorite team is the Penguins as a measure of kissing my ass because you know I can’t stand you. It is not flattering to me or to the team or to anyone. It is simply put, disgusting. Go find a sport you like and watch that and leave me to enjoy the one sport in life that I find pleasure in watching. Oh and if you are a well known, albeit shitty actor, and your team didn’t even make the playoffs, you look like a dickbag trolling fans on twitter. Grow up and get a life. Go back to cheating on your wife and making crappy television and movies. And yes, David Boreanez, I am talking about you. I at least admit when my team sucks. And you don’t see me going around calling Claude Giroux , “Fraud” Giroux like I see you going around calling Sidney Crosby (who is still the best player in the world, by the way) “Cindy Crysby). My dog shits more class than that.

Also, Boston: Get over the Cooke on Savard hit. That hit, while it injured Savard, is not the sole reason his career is over. Look to your doctors who cleared him to return too soon and suffer another concussion. Seriously, the statute of limitations is up. Move along now. Next you will be head hunting Evgeni Malkin beause Gregory Campbell blocked a shot last night and ended up with a busted leg. Not saying I don’t feel for either player, but there are chances you take in playing this sport and they are tough breaks (no pun intended), you just have to move along. Colorado doesn’t go around organizing hate fests on Todd Bertuzzi and he seriously nearly murdered a player.

Every fan is checking themselves. Trying to figure out what they did differently to make this team lose. We take it upon ourselves to be as superstitious as the players. I stopped wearing the same jewelry that worked last series. I started knitting (something that did the in the last two years). Still nothing helped. It’s not on me or the millions of other fans, it is on the team. And we agree, Crosby should put the jaw protector back on and Bylsma should bench Letang. Douglas Murray should threaten to eat a Bruin and in all the desperation we are facing, we agree Tyler Kennedy should get in the lineup. That is what we do. It is part of loving the game and your team.

So, please, never call me a fair weather bandwagoner because I am likely to hunt your ass down and shove a puck down your throat.