It’s all fun and games…

I have two thoughts, but having a free account I’m only allowed to post one post. So, I’m going to do my best to combine those thoughts into one post and see what happens.

Life is funny.   We never choose for things to suck, to be bad, but they often get there anyway.

When I stood at the alter saying my vows (that I wrote personally) I meant what I was saying. But those bows never quite played out. We had discussed many time that the joining of two people did not eliminate those to people to create some new entity. We agreed that this union was supposed to allow both of us to grow. That didn’t happen.

I knew going in that I was settling for my partner. But I was in a place at that time where I didn’t feel I was worth more. And, to be honest, I was excited to marry into the family. The in-laws treated me better than my family ever did. I was upgrading that.  I felt loved, cared for, not judged.

So, I proceeded.  The vows were exchanged, rings were out on, and cake was had.  And I silently began my life of being subservient I don’t mean that in the BDSM way, which at least would have been more fun. I meant that my opinion became secondary.

I know I’ve seen jokes about this, and I’ve even laughed. You know, where she asks “Do you the green or the blue?”  You say blue and she says, “Green it is”.

Yes, that is funny in small doses. But when it becomes your life…it’s not as funny. That is merely part of my challenge, as other things have become more and more common. I’m not going to into details, as that just becomes bitching and moaning. But there is one aspect I have to mention. I’m not sure what OD allows on here anymore, but the bedroom has been dead for a long time now.

How does one survive that long without any intimacy?  One goes elsewhere. So, I went online. I wrote. I wrote erotic stories to the point where I had a bit of a following. And I grew to dislike myself, what I had become.

And then, as happens, real life gets in the way. I stepped away not because I didn’t like what I was becoming but because the time came for me to focus on real life. Personal health. Jobs,  stuff.

Now I find myself in the other side, desperate for contact from that person who has to step back, to deal with real life. And that sucks. This is her life, and I will not make it about me. But it’s hard. So, I will wait…

And hope…