Sunday Reflections

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I had to work today at church, otherwise, I probably would have skipped this one since I’m still not feeling 100%.  So glad I made it.

Mother’s Day.  A day to celebrate the woman who bore you, raised you, or otherwise influences your life.  The first song was “You Are The Sunshine Of My Life.”  Sweet…I’m singing along quietly (trying not to go into coughing fits) and then this verse shows up:

You must have known that I was lonely,
Because you came to my rescue,
And I know that this must be heaven,
How could so much love be inside of you?

Now…don’t get me wrong…I am under no illusion about what this guy and I had.  We had two weeks of greatness and then a bunch of crap.  These lyrics just hit me as true to my heart, what I feel, and what I want.  My eyes filled up with tears and my dear friend next to me handed me a tissue.  I pull myself together for the rest of the songs.  It’s been a long time since I’ve cried in church.  Lately I’ve felt very disconnected and have actually been avoiding church except for the days I work.   One of the other songs is about being beautiful on the inside and all of a sudden, it hits me…in just two short weeks, this guy made me feel wanted, needed and beautiful.  Then he took it away and I was thrown for a loop.  I made comments I didn’t mean, I became obsessive about the meaning behind every word or lack of words that he sent me.  I analyzed everything.  One day of no communication and I was a wreck.  Luckily I didn’t voice any of this to him, but in Asheville they showed up in my unease. 

Phil begins his sermon.  The title is “In Pursuit of the Perfect Woman” based on Proverbs 31:10-31 where a mother tells her son what he should look for in a wife.  Without going into all of it, Phil says that the perfect woman is all women put together, we make the perfect woman together.  Each of us has a part of the perfect woman in her and that’s what we need to focus on.  At various parts of this there’s more crying.  My problem is that I look for validation outside of myself.  That’s why a guy can lift me up and throw me down and I am devastated.  I put myself in this position by not seeing what a great person I am already.  I need to look within myself and put my heart in God’s hands, not a guys hands. 

I think again of the lyrics:

You must have known that I was lonely,
Because you came to my rescue,

I can’t wait for a man to rescue me.  I need to do that myself.  And I think I’ve done a great job of getting here…I just need to continue with the work. 

I’ve been going over what I wanted to say to this guy multiple times each day.  I reword it, add to it, even thought about writing it down.  But now I feel lighter.  I don’t need to have a long drawn out discussion with him.  If it wasn’t for this experience I might have not had this reflection.  Hopefully it will help me in the future with the person who I am supposed to be with.